The Book Of Mikey

This is the evolution of Mikey as created by the blessing of God. Witness shall be given to those gifts given by god during the course of this evolution. All praise to god.

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Location: the realm of dreams, Pennsylvania, United States

The time has come to live without fear.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

The Whining of Mikey 1:1

Often, in those early times, Mikey would carry the bliss of peace and the tshirt that said so plainly.
"I don't whine"
Sadly, unearthed from the basement of the local order of the Mikey Knights Templar, is the gospel that dispels the tshirt.
Mikey did whine, and whine a lot prior to enlightenment.
Remember, as Mikey tells us, Each of us are not born from the womb as genius, but like the "Hello Kitty" jigsaw puzzles we are, we accumulate bits and pieces until the 100 piece picture is finished.
The following loose translation from Aramaic is startling in its reference to modern topics. It is estimated these passages come after the exodus from Michigan and just after the completion of the journey to the hills of Monroeville:

A letter to Eric The Elder upon the passing of Michigan misery and the embracing of the coming joy.

What the hell is the deal with Angelina Jolie. How do you get lips like that without a liftime free rotation offer at the same time.
I'll tell you how kind friend. Because she was built, not born.
She is a plastic surgery frankenstein. And is the failed cosmetic operations of six women from San Diego. These errors were left unattended and when a wayward auto mechanic placed an airhose in the messy lot.
there stood Angelina Jolie.
And not unlike a soap box derby racer in a Cub Scout race, she was shaved and carved by the cosmetic masters into the shapes you see now.
Just don't let her stand out in hot weather without some sort of cooling device. Or down the sewer she will drip until her soul, Like in Wes Craven's "Shocker" uses the sewer system to invade another host through an available orifice.
Avoid ye "Girl Interrupted" if ye can. To watch it is to place your very soul at risk.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

The Alma Mater of Mikey 1:1

The stage was set, The Alma Mater of Mikey had suffered long and lively to the hands of great hoop teams like Illinois, Xavier, even horrific atrocities like Ferris State, Northville Institute and the University of Michigan in Dearborn back in the cold, damp hole that was the GLIAC conference.
Only a glorious University of Dayton victory would have compared to the exhaltation that shook the core of the land when the 3 point shot fell that sank the tourney hopes of Oral Roberts University and the abherration that is its 900 foot Jesus seeing founder.
In the day, it is written that Mikey was the field announcer for the Alma Mater. Letting all that would be in attendence know when a basket actually sank in the high school gymnasium that substituted for NCAA Division II competition.
The voice of Mikey would boom for the tens in attendence. scamming the dulcet tones of the great Ken Calvert as Mikey would deliver stellar banter like..."Foul on Number 33 Wallace Davis, his first, teams third" or, "Don't forget to attend this saturday afternoons match against the Ferris State Bulldogs, First three people in the door get a box of paperclips."
Then Mikey was birthed into the Lesbian-girlfriend turning, 22% interest, Crap choking car real world in 1991, These tribulation would serve as musical fodder for the great composers of the time;Beck Hanson, New Kids on the Block, Pearl Jam and Biz Markie.....
The Alma Mater would be birthed into the harsh real world in 1996 when they tore down that HighSchool Gymnasium and built a real field house and joined the MCC conference and Division I NCAA ball.
Sure, The Alma Mater is in the dance at 12 and 18. Worst losing record ever to make it to the tournament.
And they will be eviscerated in sweetness. probably by Wake Forest as I understand it.
But while I can't bear to roll off a chorus of, "Three Cheers for Wake Forest".
This ascension of the utter beauty that is the mediocrity of this years Golden Grizzly team is luminescent brillant hope for all of humankind and mostly for myself.. There are no more excuses to greatness. Your gifts will deliver your prize.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

The Bitterness of Mikey 1:2

The following is a transcript of a confession made to Father Genjarius by Mikey, at the bottom of the fall and before the rise.
Forgive me father for the 256 magazines I signed up for one year subscriptions in the name of my nemesis and checked the box, "Bill Me Later".
Forgive the 21 times I convinced the local power company to turn the electricity off at the house of my nemesis by telling them each time. "Yeah, I think solar power can work"
Forgive the 3122 times I called my credit card company telling them I wished to, "pay them in full" only to fake a heart attack and die just before providing payment.
Forgive the days of 12/2/1991-12/6/1991 and the month of January 1992. For in these times, in my darkened soul, did I take thy name in vain and bargain my soul away for the Detroit Lions to win a championship. I foolishly did not specify a "Super Bowl " Championship and lost my soul for a time. I won my soul back after betting Satan that Bill Clinton would take the presidency in the same year. I did this, knowing in advance Ross Perot has sold his soul to Satan, but Satan did not know, I knew.
Forgive me for blaming my parents for everything, I was wrong. Other than correctly blaming myself, I should have also blamed my lifelong addiction to Mountain Dew and Chicken Mcnuggets.
Forgive me for hitting on every woman of near Asian Descent I've ever seen, and forgive the majority of them for beating the hell out of me.
Forgive me for staying with my first fiance for two years, but sometimes, as you know, regardless of what EVERYONE is saying. The sex is still too good to leave.
Forgive me for laughing at the mentally retarded from a distance, I'm really just jealous that they have so little stress and cannot express this jealousy usefully.

Father Genjarius-
Is that all my son?

To the best of my recollection.

Father Genjarius-
Then: say 3,122,416 hail marys, 221,433 Our Fathers, 3111 acts of contrition and never touch the yellow heroin that is Mountain Dew ever again.

The Revelation of Mikey 2:1

The blessing continued its revelation after much clarity on my immense Melon. Which I don't feel is such a bad thing now.
The blessing revealed many prophesies. Stupefied, I stood.
I felt a summer breeze settle across my mind and my eyes closed, immediately I stood in a room where in a lazy boy recliner sat an elderly gentleman with huge circular glasses and a fluorescent blue and red suit jacket and pants. He wore a t shirt underneath the suit jacket that said, "Detroit Lions, Super Bowl CCLXIX Chamions". This T Shirt brought me gladness heretofore unexperienced. The shiny man handed me a newspaper, the date on the paper was March 4th, 2234. I read and saw.
IN the years to come:
A mild sedative gas will be packaged in spray can form. Like "Febreze" is now. Only this product will bring peace and quiet into your life when you spray it.
Noisy, whiny cat that has to be fed, again, at 4:36 am? Just spray, "SleepEze" on said cat and peace will return.
An entire first grade class that just won't shut up? Try the SleepEze fogger, which, like roach killer will cover a whole room in moments and bring silence whence before there was only 6 year old anarchy.
The best picture at the Oscars will be "Formica", a three hour odyssey directed by 2433 year old Clint Eastwood featuring the spiritual journey of a Nepalese man who wishes to renovate his bathroom.
War will ravage the divided peoples of West Virginia and Virginia, an immense wall will be built around the entire perimiter of Virginia to defend its borders against the saxon hordes of West Virginia. Sadly, the people of Virginia will die of Emphysema as Virginia's governor will forget to build doors in the wall and with Cigarettes as the only sustenence, the entire population will chain smoke themselves to the grave.
Seeing this tragedy, the horrific struggle between North and South Dakota will be settled and the two fiefdoms will secede from the American Empire and unify under the single nationstate, "YaHeyDere".
George Bush the LongShanks will bomb the beejeezubs out of the new nationstate for this treason and the anihlated nationstate will turn into a parking lot for the ever expanding Mall of America which now encompasses all of Minnesota and Wisconsin.
THE MALL OF AMERICA, Two states wide and where you can get a prime rib buffet or a trollop of your choice for only $1.99, 24 hours a day.
The blessings continued.,

Michigan 1:5

A letter to the people of Michigan transcribed by Eric the Elder from the ancient text of Big Feet Benny, the earliest ancestor of Mikey to leave guiding blessing to the people of Michigan.

To my angry brothers of the tribes of SagginGnawin, DeTruth, and Point To My Sac;

I write to you on this crisp autumn day of Novembre of the year of our lord 632. I write to you though I know that you and your kind cannot read. That your tribes are content to smear blotches of blueberries and sacrificed deer blood on the very living rock and refer to it as communication.

I write to you with the humble prayer that one day your descendents will read, will communicate with words, and will recall the darkest times of this land of Me Bitch Again.

I have coined the name of "Me Bitch Again" because that is all the people here have done since my arrival to bring the word of our lord.

Complaints, Complaints, Complaints: If it isn't, "Why can't the deer just come to front door and die, why do I have to hunt them?", its, "When will the King give me some free deer meat so I don't have to hunt?"
Or perhaps the best yet, "When will someone give me some fire, what ever that is, so I can be warm like those weird friendly people to the north in Can a beer and the south in O Why O Why O."
The word and the Lord are there to bring all of us light. And yet, people of Me Bitch Again, you would wall yourself up in self abuse never letting the light of peace and happiness shine upon you.
May your children and your children's children wakeup and lighten up. The gift of life is too short to waste it waiting for handouts or smearing deer blood on your neighbors Mud Hut.

Think on it. And may you know the blessing of Mikey.