The Book Of Mikey

This is the evolution of Mikey as created by the blessing of God. Witness shall be given to those gifts given by god during the course of this evolution. All praise to god.

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Location: the realm of dreams, Pennsylvania, United States

The time has come to live without fear.

Sunday, May 15, 2005

The Piety of Mikey 1:1

In traveling to the many lands we all share, Mikey began to notice common threads of bondage that we all suffer.
The ease of access to fast food.
The infinite combinations of BOGO at your local grocery mart when all you've come for is a loaf of bread, bottle of milk and a stick of butter.
The tasty sugared items that beckon you with comfort and an extra energy jolt when all you wanted was 10 gallons of gas.
Mikey pondered. If Mikey was to truly raise millions that he would give away, he must separate himself from the system that keeps us all as working cogs.
In doing so, Mikey would observe why others bind themselves to the system and develop strategies to grow his own empire of benevolence.
And in growing the millions he would have the free time he needs to create the legendary tales of Half and Half Nancy and Mys the Clownshoe in perpetuity.
So it came to be that Mikey cast himself into the jungle of capitalism for 40 days with a barren desert of means, deliberately.
This would also purge the monkeys from the back of Mikey that ride him daily.
Such as the blessing of a Sugar Free Vanilla Latte from StarBucks.
This place was often referred to by Jules the Elder as, "StarFucks".
While relevant, the elder's negativity did not carry meaning for Mikey until he entered the jungle the first day. Almost immediately upon passing the source of Caffeine so blessed to Mikey, the melon of Mikey began to throb.
And, as the melon of Mikey is vast, the waves of pain generated by this event was the cause of the Aurora Borealis over northern Siberia and the destruction of the Mars Polar Lander.
Immediately, Mikey knew the purging of the system from his body and soul was a righteous endeavor.
Mikey stopped the mighty Mikey Caprice in the parking lot of the Starbucks oppressor and removed himself from his car. Mikey sat at a plastic patio table and quietly prayed for strength.
A man approached Mikey, looking strikingly like Bush 43, but moving with the speed and carrying the hairline of Bush 41. The man donned a black silk suit and smoke rose from all around his gait.
"Why trouble yourself with this? You feel the pain within that massive cranium of yours don't you? I will give you your own StarBucks if you get down on your knees and give honor to only me. I am the system and I will do this for you if you relieve yourself of this burden." saieth the man.
"Don't vex me Devil" saieth Mikey.
"Look at the smiling faces that go in and out with their own latte, you could be one of them and profit from their needs, just worship me." saieth the man.
"GET OUT!" Mikey screamed and made a roundhouse kick at the man.
The man disappeared in smoke.
So passed the first day of the Piety of Mikey.

Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The Revelation of Mikey 2:2

Yet the blessing continued to roll through the mind of Mikey. For then did true wisdom fall upon his cranium and by the miracle of optimism, did not bounce to the ground, ricocheting off the massive skull structure that is the melon of Mikey.
In a blink, Mikey did stand upon the top of a 1979 Malibu Station Wagon. This made Mikey the tallest man in Michigan by default. This height allowed Mikey to see shadows of things to come.
Mikey saw single file lines of people, appearing to be all men as there were no breasts protruding from this lot.
Hundred, maybe thousands, all marching in single file, a massive squadron hundreds wide walked and approached Mikey..
The throngs seemed to be all individually drinking Iron City Light beer and wearing the numbers 3 and 8 with various corporate propaganda tattooed to their clothing.
Companies like, "The Home Depot", "Federal Express", "Kmart" were represented.
The odd army began a horrifying chant.
"We are assholes, We are assholes, We are assholes, We are assholes, We are assholes."
The numbers of these self proclaimed assholes seemed to be growing by the minute as hundreds more seemed to rise above the horizon like some asshole sunrise.
The members of this army all stared blankly ahead, saying nothing except their chant.
"we are assholes"
occasionally one would spit tobacco juice on the pavement and then recommence the chant.
Mikey was amazed, for he did not personally know an asshole. But were he to know one, Mikey could see that asshole dressing like these assholes.
Mikey felt the need to question this vision, could it hold larger answers, greater peace to other problems.
A particularly rotund asshole approached his Malibu station wagon, Mikey jumped off the top of the car like a lynx and stood in front of this asshole.
"May I ask you a question, sir?" saieth Mikey.
The asshole looked down at the number 8 on his jacket and back at Mikey.
"Shoot, but only a couple, I've got to get to a race."
Mikey pressed his advantage, the asshole was off balance.
"You all say you're assholes, let me ask you this first,"queried Mikey, "If you saw a sign at a grocery store that said, '8 ITEMS OR LESS', what would that mean to you?"
The head of the asshole was instantly enveloped in an orange glow that cast a shadow upon Mikey.
The asshole stood silent, then, "It would mean nothing."
A calm settled over Mikey, "One more good asshole, and I thank you for your time, may many blessing follow you and your asshole family."
"O.K." saieth the asshole.
Mikey raised his eyebrow in honor of Saint Belushi, "my final question is Multiple choice. choose the best answer. Your cell phone is ringing, in which of these places could you answer it gracefully.
A. The middle of a movie you've paid $10 to see at a local cineplex.
B. The middle of a sex act you are performing on your significant other.
C. The middle of a jail cell while a sex act is being performed on you.
D. The middle of your wedding ceremony while you hear the words, "and do you..."?

Again, instantly, the asshole was enveloped in an orange glow that doppler shift to red while the asshole prepared the answer.

"I could answer my cell phone gracefully in all of them places." saieth the asshole.

with that, the asshole took a long drag from his 44 ounce Iron City Malt Liquor Lite and cotinued the walk and restarted the terrifying chant.

Mikey was oddly at peace, for a large puzzle piece of the 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle of real life suddenly fell into place.

May these blessings of wisdom continue.

Sunday, May 01, 2005

The Fall Of Mikey 1:1

Mikey was fond of walking, and would walk for miles at a time simply to amuse and ponder days to come.
Much like the Christmas Warlock from "Santa Claus is coming to Town" who could no longer do card tricks at the freezing of his soul.
When Mikey fell, he fell body, soul, heart and spirit.
At the beginning of the fall, Mikey stopped walking and awaited events to pass him by, jumping on those that caught his interest and riding them till his attention span changed.
Mikey had given up all direction and focus, and unlike that same Warlock from, "Santa Claus is coming to town", Mikey did not put "One foot in front of the other", ever.
Mikey sought only the favor that lied at the bottom of a Mountain Dew bottle. Due to this, for the year of 1994, Mikey did not sleep at all.
In fact, Mikey did not blink from January to May of that year.
Mountain dew was that powerful in 1994.
Heretics and Bohemians and GFP's would often hail Mikey from the door of his studio apartment in Chicago. Each would plead the good wishes of Mikey and that he would come hither that his innate ability to amuse and bemuse simultaneously could be brought out for a commercial production or two.
Mikey indulged the occasional theatrical group, no memory or artifact of these performances remain today.
This was the "Dew" period of Mikey.
All Mikey knew was that he was really, REALLY awake and this helped dull the gnawing anguish that breathing gave him during this time.
Mikey began to feel the cold embrace of apathy and simply due to the excellence of the bootleg Mikey possessed of, "Mellon collie and the Infinite Sadness" from the Smashing Pumpkins.
The existence of Mikey turned Spartan as all that existed in this tribulation was the Cat of Mikey, the Bed of Mikey, and the refrigerator of Mikey. The refrigerator was always stacked with Mountain dew for Mikey, and Nine Lives for the cat of Mikey.
An acquaintance of Mikey from the initial days of his ministry in Baltimore did seek Mikey out one fogged July evening of damp misery.
Jen Nicodemus had ascended in a short time to an executive position with a local improvisational troupe. Nothing about Jen Nicodemus floated the manly boat of Mikey,(which is an exceptional event for Mikey was not a fussy man with the ladies during this dark age), however Jen Nicodemus did know of the entertainment skill of Mikey and left a happy invitation on Mikey's answering machine.
"Mikey, be Mercury, add wings to your feet, and bring thyself to the Improv Institute this Thursday night."
Mikey was quizzical on the cleverness of the speech and decided to present himself.
More will be spoken of this penultimate night of Mikey in later passages of this gospel, but the most relevant event was the crossing of paths that Mikey tripped upon with the one known as Happy Julie.
Like so many audiences across the many tribal lands, Happy Julie was both amused and bemused by Mikey and remained orbiting his personal space for the majority of this night and on each path crossing in the near future from this night.
Happy Julie was pleasant to the ear, almost as pleasant to the eye, and as Mikey had not considered legitimate female companionship since he was traded in for the three wise lesbians, Mikey gave Happy Julie his phone number and address in a fleeting moment of whimsy.
And just like that, a few beaver dives later(as Mikey would sheath his sword for many moons after he was traded in for the three wise lesbians) and Bob's your uncle, Mikey received a card from Happy Julie proclaiming his lovemaking skill and her appreciation of same.
What could Mikey do?
Mikey was moved to do the one thing that his many Michigan brethren had done before him while they wallowed in apathy and bitterness.
Mikey never spoke to Happy Julie again and found clever ways to not be in the same space as she when she did socialize.
Happy Julie knows now, the blessing of Mikey, for this unfair oppression she did endure. May the fortunes of Happy Julie grow as the years progress.