The Book Of Mikey

This is the evolution of Mikey as created by the blessing of God. Witness shall be given to those gifts given by god during the course of this evolution. All praise to god.

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Location: the realm of dreams, Pennsylvania, United States

The time has come to live without fear.

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

The Exodus of Mikey 1:1

In time, Mikey would see that the land of his birth was the source of the oppression that threatened his peace.
On that day, Mikey would leave Michigan for the far warmer, dopier climate of Kentucky.
Mikey would be arrested at the bridge connecting Cincinnati, Ohio with Covington, Kentucky for attempting to smuggle books into the state that did not contain pictures with bright colors.
The Michiganders did follow Mikey as they fleed the bitterness of Michigan. These fine individuals would settle like fine volcanic dust all across the americas fruitfully fertilizing many a strange land to grow spiritually, but far from Michigan.
Just south of Dayton, Ohio at a gas station outside of the Venus Night Club, Mikey paused to take a walk to contemplate the future.
Mikey did climb a hill, the mightiest hill in all of Ohio at a majestic 12 feet 6 inches, at the top of the hill sat an empty ash tray(the kind that stands two or three feet), with thousands of deadened cigarette butts strewn about the ground.
From this peak, Mikey did see the sprawling badlands of Wapokeneta, Ohio and the failed basketball dreams of the University of Dayton.
Mikey heard a voice.
Mikey paused, he had not heard this voice since beating the living bejeezubs out of Rich Coulter in the Eighth Grade when he uttered the same word after a successful layup of Mikey's versus the demons of Zemmer Junior High.
"rich?" sayeth Mikey.
"No clownshoe, I am the angel Michael, your namesake. As I have battled, so shall you. Behold, regard how the ashtray burns."
The ashtray did then glow like the end of a doobie. Mikey was nebby all at once.
"Show yourself Michael, that we may talk further." sayeth Mikey.
"And how about I place my sizeable heavenly boot in your rotund ass to show you how much patience I have for conversation." Sayeth The angel Michael.
"Fair enough." said Mikey.
"Before you Melonhead, shall ye see your ten commandments which are addendums to the original ten commandments we all must follow. Should you be able to pull yourself away from asian chicks, porn, mountain dew, and the bitter comfort of sarcasm. ye might find your destiny through these righteous directives."
With those words, Mikey's remaining hairs were parted down the middle by a blast of high charged carbon monoxide and the angel was not heard again.
The nebbiness of Mikey did rise, below him sat a neatly pressed Trapper Keeper, the name "Mikey" was written in crayon on a label.
Mikey did open the trapper keeper, it was red, and the velcro did make a mighty thunderous rip as the trapper keeper was pried open. A lone KOOL cigarette butt did roll down the mighty hill at the tremor of this velcro rip.
Mikey did read.

The following is a transcript from this holy text translated from the original aramaic..

Melonhead, pay heed to these directives. Your future is contingent on your will to begin your dedication to these directives.

Mikey, when you wish to begin your journey.

Thou shalt not partake of refined sugared beverages.

Thou shalt have patience for the pedantic blandness that finds its source from Nancy and her like crazed ilk and dogma.

Thou shalt think of someone other than yourself.

Thou shalt plot the destruction of Allstate.

Thou shalt learn the way of Clinton and know all events are positive.

Thou shalt not mediate the commerce of crack like items, these items include, but are not limited to:
Cell Phones
Hobby/Gaming Items
Refined Sugar Products
Unfounded creative skills in others
Sarri's candy bars(with almond or crunch, straight Milk Chocolate is ok)

Thou shalt reconcile all family business.

Thou shalt shrink your fat cells efficiently, for their width is wide from your refined sugar abuse.

Thou shalt take the name of he who shall not be spoken(though you have yet to meet this individual) and rise his name up in glory, though he will forever crawl in dust like the facilitating, enabling serpent of the original fall of man .

Thou shalt start engines of commerce, and continue starting engines of commerce until you have reached the wealth never before known by your clan. then ye shall give half of it away to whom and what thou wilt.

If ye be of righteousness as it is rumored thou art, let your potential be loosed through these commandments, or if thee be mediocre, let these commandments haunt you to madness.

Mikey closed the Trapper Keeper and was glad to find an excellent pen in the front pocket.
Mikey was at peace, for now he knew exactly what he had to do.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

The Booty Knockin of Mikey 1:1

In this unclean book, the tales of those whom Mikey has fornicated and those whom Mikey has been fornicated by shall be released.
This book is rated "PG-13" for this reason. The life and times of Mikey can avoid an "R" rating so that the word may pass to a larger audience.
In the time between toys and bills, the focus of Mikey fell to that of female form. Mikey was hard wired like the freeway between Fort Worth, Texas and Dallas, Texas.
Straight and no curves.
Mikey would pass through 17 years before his will was as willing as his mojo to find female companionship to facilitate his journey from apprentice to master of all things chick.
The amour of Mikey would rise and fall like the tides of the Atlantic. Rising with the hope of climbing to fulfillment and falling to uncover the jagged rejection of the coastline once again.
A warm June evening would push the will of Mikey as high as the already mighty Mojo of Mikey.
This convergence would end his neophyte status.
At the gathering of Tony Scott at the Deerfield Fire Hall, Mikey would endure and engage the company of many.
Such pearls of wisdom the fell before Mikey are listed but are not limited to:
"You might as well face it Mikey, you are addicted to love"-Spoke Ewing the Crazed when hearing Robert Palmer for the first time.
"Tony better pay for the chips in my Windshield, or he shall be smited"-Spoke James the Apostle.
"I'd like to show her my Sledgehammer"-Spoke Powers the Lame.
And the clearest pearl that would begin the loosening of the virginal cross that Mikey had carried for the many 17 years.
"Save me a dance Mikey, and make sure it is a slow one"-Spoke Kimberly the Chaste.
And though Mikey and Kimberly did booty knock, Kimberly remained always chaste in spirit and therefore always blessed in the eyes of Mikey.
Upon hearing this pearl from Kimberly, Mikey was moved to consult with Mitch the Elder whom had great success with chicks of varying stature, size and melons. This consul would prove most fortuitous.
"Mitch, what does it mean when a woman wants you to save a slow dance for her?" Spoke Mikey.
"Your virginity blinds you, " Spoke Mitch, "seek her company away from this gathering and all will be revealed."
"Away from this revelry? " Quizzed Mikey, "How do I do that"
"You think like the boobs you watch" Mitch illuminated, "Ask her to go for a walk."
Mikey reflected, It was brilliant in its innocence.
The true convergence began to reveal itself, Mikey heard the beginnings tones of Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wildside" when Mikey determined he would act on the advice of the elder.
Upon seeing the glorious Kimberly, Mikey spouted,"Kimberly, would you like to go for a walk?"
Sayeth Kimberly, "Sure, where?"
This question stopped Mikey cold, where indeed?
"Outside?" hoped Mikey.
And the two began there trek to the outdoors of the decorated Deerfield Fire Hall. Upon exiting the back door of the Deerfield Fire Hall and turning on the sidewalk just to the south, Kimberly turned to Mikey and placed a kiss on Mikey so rooted in the passion of this moment that corns on the feet of Mikey(gathered from many miles of walking to preach)lost there footing on the feet of Mikey and fell harmlessly from the foot to the sock of Mikey. The head of Mikey was Kodachrome and all things were VistaVision. Mikey saw colors all around while being kissed that seemed to jump from the trees, buildings and grass. This continued for at least 1 minute and 13 seconds. At 1:14, Kimberly broke this long strange trip with a word.
"You know I'm a tease" Kimberly said.
Mikey did not care about this and went to reconnecting with the colors of the immediate environment through the lips of Kimberly. Kimberly was still willing in this search and offered these same lips. They tasted of a fine mix of Sprite, Stuffed Peppers and Watermelons. It was thirst quenching.
At 5 minutes 33 of this brain freeing, sprite fest, Kimberly ended as quickly as Mikey was confused.
"We should go back in" Kimberly smiled, "But you should come with me and my friends to Riley the Wise's house. He has a pool and wants us to Skinny dip with him."
Mikey now was blessed with the comfort of the all powerful Lord and Savior, the years of chick penance endured by Mikey were to be rewarded because Mikey had never lost faith. It is most glorious.
But there would be no, "Skinny Dipping" for Mikey. This Mikey would not do. The only public nudity that Mikey would ever engage in would be on the stage of the Oscars when the time was right again for such a display.
Mikey theorized most admirably that if he arrived comfortably late to the house of Riley. That the overanxious other dudes at the house of Riley would have coerced the girls to "Skinny Dip" early and that since it was a brisk night in June, they would end the public nudity perpetration early.
This postulate proved to be a theorem as upon the arrival of Mikey to the House of Riley, Kimberly and her two girlfriends had already stripped, swam and were shivering back in the house of Riley.
Mikey did not anticipate the arrival of Lindsey the Smooth.
Mikey knew Lindsey by his track record. It was alleged and to a slightly smaller number confirmed by Mikey that 114 chicks had been successfully engaged by Lindsey the Smooth in some form of booty knockin. Kimberly was not one of this lot, but was understandably curious.
In this curiosity, Kimberly had changed her focus from the virginal Mikey, to the smoothness of Lindsey.
Mikey did some quick math.
There were three women present. All of whom had recently been naked.
There were four men present, including Mikey. Someone was going to lose.
Then a bombshell, One girfriend of Kimberly's, Christine announced:"Lets go to the park and have an orgy"
Mikey did not know what this meant specifically, and as it was 12 years till the coming of the rock and roll group that would reach the charts with the remaking of New Order's, "Blue Monday", Mikey could only assume that the term related to booty knockin in some sense and so went to work.
Mikey went to Lindsey, and gave a quality that was heretofore unknown to Mikey before that moment, humility.
"Lindsey, can I talk to you?" Pleaded Mikey.
"Sure man, what's up?"
"You know, as well as I, that you are considered a king among men when it comes to the ladies, do you not?" Stated Mikey.
Lindsey smirked the smirk of a man who could sell hamburgers to greenpeace.
"Sure, its one of my gifts" sayeth Lindsey.
"I have to ask the largest favor I could ask of any man, and if you grant it, I would be in your debt. You see Lindsey, I have been a virgin all my life, and I believe Kimberly(whom you have been engaging in your smoothness) wishes to relieve me of this burden provided there is not mightier and more dashing a gent available for her attentions. I wish for her to take this burden from me." Mikey paused. "This is where the favor arrives. As I am schooled in your chick brilliance like all other men of our age and school district, Could you find it in your heart to disappear for an hour a so whilst I journey to the park and get my jimmy waxed?"
(The terms, "Jimmy" and "Waxed" were picked up by Mikey as an ardent fan of the great hip hop group, Boogie Down Productions.)
"Sure, no problem, I need a little bit more time to recover from earlier in the night anyway" Lindsey stated.
"Were you? Did? Kim? Did?", Mikey feared.
"No, the other two." smirking that greenpeace grin again.
The journey to the park was on, now that the mathematics were in line and there was a woman for each man on this journey.
Kimberly inquired on the four block journey, "what happened to Lindsey?"
"I guess he needed a nap" sayeth Mikey.
Upon finding a clearing after crossing a bridge over the mighty Flint River, the booty knocking did commence.
There was little conversation immediately prior to the event, Mikey did not presently find it odd that Riley and Joe the previously unknown were engaging in the same activity within four feet on each side of where Mikey was to lose his burden.
SO it began, Mikey thought that this deed was much like push-ups. Mikey contemplated how this activity seemed relatively easy for Kimberly as she didn't really do much but lie there in quiet thought.
But then.
Kimberly began to make sounds; odd, enjoyable sounds. These sounds were pleasing to the ear of Mikey. Perhaps The knowledge of Mikey of this activity carried with him from past lives and is what gave Kimberly what heard to be an enjoyable experience.
The Pushups continued for Mikey, these were not tribulation for Mikey as he was transfixed and amazed by the facial contortions made by Kimberly.
In there time, each of the other two couples would leave, their departures being announced by Riley and then Joe, both saying, "oops".
Mikey continued his pushups with Kimberly underneath. If this is sex, Mikey thought, this is not a big deal at all. I could do this all day, Mikey happily realized.
Kimberly suddenly became much louder in her exclamations and shuddered beneath Mikey.
"Should I give you a moment?" asked Mikey.
"Yes, wow" Sayeth Kimberly.
Wow is good, thought Mikey, Mikey grabbed his clothes, redonned them and turned to depart.
"look at the moon", grinned Kim, "Isn't that romantic"
"I hate to say this, Kim"as Mikey was always honest, "but you need to put your glasses back on because that is a street light on the top of the hill. "
There was an odd moment of silence.
"But the streetlight is romantic, " Mikey quickly added."Kimberly, I want to thank you because that was my first time and I really enjoyed this with you. I will never forget you."
"that's nice Mikey"Kimberly smiled,"but we won't be doing it again. see you soon."
It would be two years before Mikey would once again have the will to equal his mojo and Kim's prophecy would be true. She would later marry Lindsey the Smooth.
But it would be Mikey that got there first.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

The Lamentations of Mikey 1:2

A letter from Mikey to Jules The Younger upon the passing of his patience.

Surely you have seen me strive to exhibit the patience of Kings and the wisdom of Clerics with all peoples of all shades. I have often written to you of my struggles to communicate with the green hued people of the Ire-Land and the insatiable bitter need they have to plant potatoes where potatoes do not grow.
You have witnessed me attempt to teach our tongue to the stubborn germanic tribes whose only communication seems to be the words, "Nein", "I could die at any time", and "Vas?"
I have often been guilty of the sin of pride when relating my ability to absorb the darkness of true stupidity within human beings and reflect back to them the light of the peace of common sense.
This ended while visiting a local merchant of Cell phones.
Directly in front of my observant self was a man of dark hue who brought with him to battle an elder from his family( of a lighter chocolate hue )in an attempt to get a replacement for the phone he received in the mail that he now decides he, "Doesn't Like anymore".
The pilgrim would plead, "Why can't you give me a new phone?"
The Customer Service rep, of hershey's dark chocolate hue whose name badge read, "Charon the Boatman" stated, "Because you need to send it back where you got it to get a new phone."
This exchange would repeat itself with varying volumes, the pilgrim and his mother wildly shaking their skulls, Interjections for excitement and emotion, alien phrases like, "no, you did not" or "Oh NO he did not"(note: grammar has been clarified for layperson understanding)
Finally, The boatman gave absolution...." I could help you, but I want you to call the people who sent it to you, do that and I will entertain your problem." The boatman smiled.
The pilgrim and his mother were shaken to the bones of their metatarsals. Rage shot out their mouths like the fire that shoots from the bill of Daffy Duck when he mistakenly drinks gallons of Tobasco.
The interjections that followed from the pilgrim and his mother were for excitement and emotion but were also best suited for an NC17 audience.
The pilgrim spoke, "I will not leave until you help me. I don't care if I die right here, next to you nations largest network sign. Can you hear me now?"
The boatman spoke, "Stop it, Just stop it. Whatever"
Sound advice he thought, sadly, that thought, like the tumor in his colon, was far up his keister never to see the light of day.
Wanting Just a Car charger, good sirrah Jules, My time to speak had arrived before more lifeforce was stolen by the stalemate. A throng of ten had gathered behind me in line while the pilgrim bargained for his speech. In my pocket, I noticed substantial weight in nickels, pennies and dimes, I took it out and held it in my hand.
"Pardon Boatman" I passed, "if you do not help this humble man, I will throw pennies at you intermittently until you run screaming. and the pilgrim will remain here unassited. Your problem will have doubled. I will then encourage my fellow line mates throw even more change at your moneychanging business until you choke on your own welts or help the nubian knave."
"Its your move".
The boatman smiled, waved to the pilgrim and the problem was rectified. I bought my car charger and rebuffed all efforts to also purchase a leather case.
My shame is that I had always thought Common Sense would cost more than spare change.