The Exodus of Mikey 1:1
In time, Mikey would see that the land of his birth was the source of the oppression that threatened his peace.
On that day, Mikey would leave Michigan for the far warmer, dopier climate of Kentucky.
Mikey would be arrested at the bridge connecting Cincinnati, Ohio with Covington, Kentucky for attempting to smuggle books into the state that did not contain pictures with bright colors.
The Michiganders did follow Mikey as they fleed the bitterness of Michigan. These fine individuals would settle like fine volcanic dust all across the americas fruitfully fertilizing many a strange land to grow spiritually, but far from Michigan.
Just south of Dayton, Ohio at a gas station outside of the Venus Night Club, Mikey paused to take a walk to contemplate the future.
Mikey did climb a hill, the mightiest hill in all of Ohio at a majestic 12 feet 6 inches, at the top of the hill sat an empty ash tray(the kind that stands two or three feet), with thousands of deadened cigarette butts strewn about the ground.
From this peak, Mikey did see the sprawling badlands of Wapokeneta, Ohio and the failed basketball dreams of the University of Dayton.
Mikey heard a voice.
"Melonhead."
Mikey paused, he had not heard this voice since beating the living bejeezubs out of Rich Coulter in the Eighth Grade when he uttered the same word after a successful layup of Mikey's versus the demons of Zemmer Junior High.
"Melonhead"
"rich?" sayeth Mikey.
"No clownshoe, I am the angel Michael, your namesake. As I have battled, so shall you. Behold, regard how the ashtray burns."
The ashtray did then glow like the end of a doobie. Mikey was nebby all at once.
"Show yourself Michael, that we may talk further." sayeth Mikey.
"And how about I place my sizeable heavenly boot in your rotund ass to show you how much patience I have for conversation." Sayeth The angel Michael.
"Fair enough." said Mikey.
"Before you Melonhead, shall ye see your ten commandments which are addendums to the original ten commandments we all must follow. Should you be able to pull yourself away from asian chicks, porn, mountain dew, and the bitter comfort of sarcasm. ye might find your destiny through these righteous directives."
With those words, Mikey's remaining hairs were parted down the middle by a blast of high charged carbon monoxide and the angel was not heard again.
The nebbiness of Mikey did rise, below him sat a neatly pressed Trapper Keeper, the name "Mikey" was written in crayon on a label.
Mikey did open the trapper keeper, it was red, and the velcro did make a mighty thunderous rip as the trapper keeper was pried open. A lone KOOL cigarette butt did roll down the mighty hill at the tremor of this velcro rip.
Mikey did read.
The following is a transcript from this holy text translated from the original aramaic..
Melonhead, pay heed to these directives. Your future is contingent on your will to begin your dedication to these directives.
Mikey, when you wish to begin your journey.
Thou shalt not partake of refined sugared beverages.
Thou shalt have patience for the pedantic blandness that finds its source from Nancy and her like crazed ilk and dogma.
Thou shalt think of someone other than yourself.
Thou shalt plot the destruction of Allstate.
Thou shalt learn the way of Clinton and know all events are positive.
Thou shalt not mediate the commerce of crack like items, these items include, but are not limited to:
Cell Phones
Hobby/Gaming Items
Refined Sugar Products
Unfounded creative skills in others
Sarri's candy bars(with almond or crunch, straight Milk Chocolate is ok)
Thou shalt reconcile all family business.
Thou shalt shrink your fat cells efficiently, for their width is wide from your refined sugar abuse.
Thou shalt take the name of he who shall not be spoken(though you have yet to meet this individual) and rise his name up in glory, though he will forever crawl in dust like the facilitating, enabling serpent of the original fall of man .
Thou shalt start engines of commerce, and continue starting engines of commerce until you have reached the wealth never before known by your clan. then ye shall give half of it away to whom and what thou wilt.
If ye be of righteousness as it is rumored thou art, let your potential be loosed through these commandments, or if thee be mediocre, let these commandments haunt you to madness.
Mikey closed the Trapper Keeper and was glad to find an excellent pen in the front pocket.
Mikey was at peace, for now he knew exactly what he had to do.
On that day, Mikey would leave Michigan for the far warmer, dopier climate of Kentucky.
Mikey would be arrested at the bridge connecting Cincinnati, Ohio with Covington, Kentucky for attempting to smuggle books into the state that did not contain pictures with bright colors.
The Michiganders did follow Mikey as they fleed the bitterness of Michigan. These fine individuals would settle like fine volcanic dust all across the americas fruitfully fertilizing many a strange land to grow spiritually, but far from Michigan.
Just south of Dayton, Ohio at a gas station outside of the Venus Night Club, Mikey paused to take a walk to contemplate the future.
Mikey did climb a hill, the mightiest hill in all of Ohio at a majestic 12 feet 6 inches, at the top of the hill sat an empty ash tray(the kind that stands two or three feet), with thousands of deadened cigarette butts strewn about the ground.
From this peak, Mikey did see the sprawling badlands of Wapokeneta, Ohio and the failed basketball dreams of the University of Dayton.
Mikey heard a voice.
"Melonhead."
Mikey paused, he had not heard this voice since beating the living bejeezubs out of Rich Coulter in the Eighth Grade when he uttered the same word after a successful layup of Mikey's versus the demons of Zemmer Junior High.
"Melonhead"
"rich?" sayeth Mikey.
"No clownshoe, I am the angel Michael, your namesake. As I have battled, so shall you. Behold, regard how the ashtray burns."
The ashtray did then glow like the end of a doobie. Mikey was nebby all at once.
"Show yourself Michael, that we may talk further." sayeth Mikey.
"And how about I place my sizeable heavenly boot in your rotund ass to show you how much patience I have for conversation." Sayeth The angel Michael.
"Fair enough." said Mikey.
"Before you Melonhead, shall ye see your ten commandments which are addendums to the original ten commandments we all must follow. Should you be able to pull yourself away from asian chicks, porn, mountain dew, and the bitter comfort of sarcasm. ye might find your destiny through these righteous directives."
With those words, Mikey's remaining hairs were parted down the middle by a blast of high charged carbon monoxide and the angel was not heard again.
The nebbiness of Mikey did rise, below him sat a neatly pressed Trapper Keeper, the name "Mikey" was written in crayon on a label.
Mikey did open the trapper keeper, it was red, and the velcro did make a mighty thunderous rip as the trapper keeper was pried open. A lone KOOL cigarette butt did roll down the mighty hill at the tremor of this velcro rip.
Mikey did read.
The following is a transcript from this holy text translated from the original aramaic..
Melonhead, pay heed to these directives. Your future is contingent on your will to begin your dedication to these directives.
Mikey, when you wish to begin your journey.
Thou shalt not partake of refined sugared beverages.
Thou shalt have patience for the pedantic blandness that finds its source from Nancy and her like crazed ilk and dogma.
Thou shalt think of someone other than yourself.
Thou shalt plot the destruction of Allstate.
Thou shalt learn the way of Clinton and know all events are positive.
Thou shalt not mediate the commerce of crack like items, these items include, but are not limited to:
Cell Phones
Hobby/Gaming Items
Refined Sugar Products
Unfounded creative skills in others
Sarri's candy bars(with almond or crunch, straight Milk Chocolate is ok)
Thou shalt reconcile all family business.
Thou shalt shrink your fat cells efficiently, for their width is wide from your refined sugar abuse.
Thou shalt take the name of he who shall not be spoken(though you have yet to meet this individual) and rise his name up in glory, though he will forever crawl in dust like the facilitating, enabling serpent of the original fall of man .
Thou shalt start engines of commerce, and continue starting engines of commerce until you have reached the wealth never before known by your clan. then ye shall give half of it away to whom and what thou wilt.
If ye be of righteousness as it is rumored thou art, let your potential be loosed through these commandments, or if thee be mediocre, let these commandments haunt you to madness.
Mikey closed the Trapper Keeper and was glad to find an excellent pen in the front pocket.
Mikey was at peace, for now he knew exactly what he had to do.
posted by The Book Of Mikey | 9:27 PM
1 Comments:
Kudos.
For what it's worth I always look forward to your musings. I try to keep apprised of yours as well as Ann Coulter's weekly column. Oddly enough, she's a U of Michigan Law grad, so she has a connection with your birth-state as well.
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