The Bitterness of Mikey 1:2
The following is a transcript of a confession made to Father Genjarius by Mikey, at the bottom of the fall and before the rise.
Mikey-
Forgive me father for the 256 magazines I signed up for one year subscriptions in the name of my nemesis and checked the box, "Bill Me Later".
Forgive the 21 times I convinced the local power company to turn the electricity off at the house of my nemesis by telling them each time. "Yeah, I think solar power can work"
Forgive the 3122 times I called my credit card company telling them I wished to, "pay them in full" only to fake a heart attack and die just before providing payment.
Forgive the days of 12/2/1991-12/6/1991 and the month of January 1992. For in these times, in my darkened soul, did I take thy name in vain and bargain my soul away for the Detroit Lions to win a championship. I foolishly did not specify a "Super Bowl " Championship and lost my soul for a time. I won my soul back after betting Satan that Bill Clinton would take the presidency in the same year. I did this, knowing in advance Ross Perot has sold his soul to Satan, but Satan did not know, I knew.
Forgive me for blaming my parents for everything, I was wrong. Other than correctly blaming myself, I should have also blamed my lifelong addiction to Mountain Dew and Chicken Mcnuggets.
Forgive me for hitting on every woman of near Asian Descent I've ever seen, and forgive the majority of them for beating the hell out of me.
Forgive me for staying with my first fiance for two years, but sometimes, as you know, regardless of what EVERYONE is saying. The sex is still too good to leave.
Forgive me for laughing at the mentally retarded from a distance, I'm really just jealous that they have so little stress and cannot express this jealousy usefully.
Father Genjarius-
Is that all my son?
Mikey-
To the best of my recollection.
Father Genjarius-
Then: say 3,122,416 hail marys, 221,433 Our Fathers, 3111 acts of contrition and never touch the yellow heroin that is Mountain Dew ever again.
Mikey-
Forgive me father for the 256 magazines I signed up for one year subscriptions in the name of my nemesis and checked the box, "Bill Me Later".
Forgive the 21 times I convinced the local power company to turn the electricity off at the house of my nemesis by telling them each time. "Yeah, I think solar power can work"
Forgive the 3122 times I called my credit card company telling them I wished to, "pay them in full" only to fake a heart attack and die just before providing payment.
Forgive the days of 12/2/1991-12/6/1991 and the month of January 1992. For in these times, in my darkened soul, did I take thy name in vain and bargain my soul away for the Detroit Lions to win a championship. I foolishly did not specify a "Super Bowl " Championship and lost my soul for a time. I won my soul back after betting Satan that Bill Clinton would take the presidency in the same year. I did this, knowing in advance Ross Perot has sold his soul to Satan, but Satan did not know, I knew.
Forgive me for blaming my parents for everything, I was wrong. Other than correctly blaming myself, I should have also blamed my lifelong addiction to Mountain Dew and Chicken Mcnuggets.
Forgive me for hitting on every woman of near Asian Descent I've ever seen, and forgive the majority of them for beating the hell out of me.
Forgive me for staying with my first fiance for two years, but sometimes, as you know, regardless of what EVERYONE is saying. The sex is still too good to leave.
Forgive me for laughing at the mentally retarded from a distance, I'm really just jealous that they have so little stress and cannot express this jealousy usefully.
Father Genjarius-
Is that all my son?
Mikey-
To the best of my recollection.
Father Genjarius-
Then: say 3,122,416 hail marys, 221,433 Our Fathers, 3111 acts of contrition and never touch the yellow heroin that is Mountain Dew ever again.
posted by The Book Of Mikey | 6:07 PM
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