The Book Of Mikey

This is the evolution of Mikey as created by the blessing of God. Witness shall be given to those gifts given by god during the course of this evolution. All praise to god.

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Location: the realm of dreams, Pennsylvania, United States

The time has come to live without fear.

Thursday, December 30, 2004

The Revelation of Mikey 1:4

Good Lord, I have a large head.
My skull is immense, it is a landmark on a busy street.
At the beach, Kids try to toss me over volleyball nets. Fortunatley, my center of gravity and accompanying density prevent all but the sturdiest from accomplishing this feat.
My head was responsible for the path change in Comet Halle Boppe that brought it with its mighty trailing ufo within proximity of earth. My head is also responsible for the breakup of Shoemaker Levy in 1994 and the accompanying holes in the atmosphere of Jupiter that resulted.
Its a big melon. Mighty Melon.
If I sit in the outfield of a baseball game, I can't sit near the foul poles because my skull will alter the trajectory of balls and make foul balls fair, and fair balls foul.
My gargantuan cranium did, however, assist University of Michigan Quarterback Jim Harbaugh in appearing to be a better quaterback than he actually was, depending on how my crushing skull leaned at glorious Michigan Stadium.
Sadly, my help was of no use against the forsaken Irish of Notre Dame.
Oh its true.
I have been ignoring the signs until now, the many bits of sage observation that have been offered to me over the years.
"Is not a Cadillac, bigger than a Passat?" One buddhist monk once told me. "And does the cadillac not have a larger trunk space and better V8 engine."
At the time, I threw him a quarter, but these words haunt me now with their truth.
The size of my head would explain why I did not walk upright until 4 years old. Recently released medical records show that an alarming 85% of my overall mass prior to 4 years old was in my skull.
It also explains why I am a great lover. I have mastered all the thousands of details to a womans happiness..
Oh yeah. The blessing revealed itself.

Michigan 1:3

A letter from Mikey, to the people of Michigan culled from the events of 1995.
Well, would you look at this bunch of crybaby, green faced, spine slouching, pick up truck drivers.
A wind of whining seems to be slapping me in the face regularly. I will point it out to you once again, though you will not find it unfamiliar.
"OHHHHH, I've got to go to work, I hate going to work."
and if unemployed.
"OHHHHH, I've got to file for unemployment, I hate filing for unemployment."
Which will you choose, you lameoids. Will you squander what few gifts remain with you in your frozen, talent free tundra, scarfing down cheetoes and calling Marvin on the first Monday of the month?
Choose or loose my friends, your life slips from you like a football in the hands of Eric Hipple or Eric Kramer. You are without direction.
Every day that I spend traveling throughout this great blessed land, your sins against your beating hearts is magnified an exponent more. Imagine the thousands of losing lottery tickets that wouldn't be found in your city streets if each of you simply cared to hope.

Sunday, December 26, 2004

The Acts of Mikey 1:1

Darkness fell.
And while it was dark outside on 72nd street in Manhattan at the time Mikey walked it. This darkness was all encompassing.
Darkness fell upon the eyes of Mikey, The mind of Mikey, The heart of Mikey, The soul of Mikey.
and then rain began.
In New York City, rain has the unique property of being able to hit you from any angle. this is in due part to the many building of various heights and widths, much like the people of New York City.
This means that a rain drop that began falling at a 83 degree angle of descent(if straight down is 90 degrees) may, through the magic of geometry, hit you square in the eye.(0 degrees)
So it was for Mikey on This day. The very surroundings seemed to carry a velvety plush beckoning Mikey to give in to the comfortable misery of despair.
Mikey had just been told the news from his dearest at the time that he was to be traded in for three women. That his once heterosexual life mate had morphed into a homosexual acquaintance and as she worded it herself,"These things just happen."
Between his third and fourth bite of a swiss cheese burger Mikey had gone from engaged to enraged, adored to floored, from centered to bent.
The rain, made it perfect.
It seemed like a baptism. Mikey felt his lingering innocence that he was bigger and better than the whole world slip from him gracefully.
In time, this could be replaced with self-confident wisdom, but there first had to be despair.
And so Mikey did.
Mikey would first attempt to find comfort and solace with those whom he carried the highest respect, his circle of friends. Sadly, this event happened on March 31st, and as he sought out this friendly comfort the next day, on april fools day, he was not to be believed and found nothing but stifling laughter.
The despair became deeper, like an endless supply of Mcdonalds gift certificates that you use for your daily nutrition, knowing that you are slowy killing yourself, though the death may be smeared with special sauce and groovy small plastic toys still.
Despair is also carried with you throughout your days, like mosquito bites that you scratch a little too much. In time, they heal, but the scars are forever present. There will always be people asking, "what is that on your arm? a gunshot wound? Or did you just scratch a mosquito bite too much?"
This act of trading Mikey for the three lesbians would end the salad days of Mikey and begin the age of Wisdom.
One of the more relvant acts of Mikey, that is the focus of this passage, is the act that was the final healing of the heart of Mikey. The act that allowed him to be cleansed of this powerful despair.
While fully swimming in the warm, bottomless comfort of this despair that provided Mikey with no purpose but to warm his prevalent butt, Mikey built a business. From this business, many lessons were learned, but the most relevant of which was personal responsibility.
Like others in this day, Mikey could craft an argument to blame anything other than himself.
Such examples would include, but are not limited to, blaming a non-existent "brain Cyst" for having to suddenly leave the employment of a local Pizza Magnate.
This would soon change when Mikey found the favor of an older woman from the west.
This woman was not much older than Mikey, Only a few fortnights separated the two, but this woman did shower Mikey with endless adoration and treated Mikey like an awesome physical specimen for which Mikey cared little.
The woman demanded that Mikey come to her land in the west and preach to her and her throng, that her throng may too see what the woman described as ,"the genius of Mikey".
Mikey agreed, because as a side effect of his despair, he happily sailed where the winds would take him.
The situation was entertaining and furthered the age of wisdom with many smaller lessons as well as the great revelation of whom the perfect woman for Mikey was to be. (someone other than this aged chick)
But the lesson mentioned here arrived when a younger lad than Mikey took the eye of his adoring older miss.
This, in itself, was not a great misery but a blessing as Mikey was looking for another direction concurrent with the appearance of this individual. What was of immeadiate concern was that Mikey needed a place to live.
Mikey went out into the void and found a studio apartment in the land of El Cajon. This apartment was within the income of Mikey, but would not be available for two weeks.
Rather than despair, Mikey embraced learning at this most critical time.
Was it not Mikey whom had journeyed to this place, to the home of this jezebel?
Did she not have children whom wished sainthood for Mikey, regardless of his coming displacement?
Did she not have throngs whom also thought the highest of Mikey?
Yes. all these were true.
Thus, it became clear to Mikey he was responsible for the crush in living situation.
Mikey accepted this in whole, spoke highly to throngs and children of the jezebel regarding her decision to displace. Mikey found class in a situation where others would have armed themselves and started firing.
The jezebel paid for two weeks for Mikey in a local swank motel, left the new lad who was to replace Mikey on several occasions to seek the length of the wonders of Mikey.
Bought him Slurpees on each and every day he was exiled to the motel prior to availability of the posh studio apartment in the land of El Cajon.
Clarity was Mikey's. Mikey expanded on this.
It was fated that His first fiance would switch teams midstream, and this was beyond his control. Even if there was a single act from Mikey that assisted in the switch, it was still fated and beyond his control.
Mikey had just been dumped by a woman and convinced her to pay for his lodgings and garnered the favor of all of her people.
Wisdom then came to Mikey. He was not as bad an individual as he would like to believe.
Mikey walked outside and once again saw the stars. Hope was Mikey's once again.

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

The Numbers of Mikey 1:3

Having learned of the fated roots and subsequent tree that is the lifespring of Mikey, it is equally relevant to be known of those who would employ Mikey.
How Mikey came to be within their subservient machinery or created his own machinery of the breadth of the melon of Mikey.
In the beginning, there was Wah Wong Chinese Food. of no particular relevance other than they were the first to respond to the genius of Mikey. They would not be the last.
Wah Wong Chinese Food was important in the expansion of the innards of experience for Mikey as this position edified him on the wonderwall that is Chinese Kung Fu Bottle explosion tricks and that when a supervisor slaps you on the buttocks, it is not always a reminder to work faster.
Mikey would take a 9 month respite to continue his studies at the local lycee. He would have preferred playing harmonica on the street corner for change, but his mother beat him with a rubber hose to prevent this.

Then came Elias brothers, where Mikey learned of the spiritual fullfilment of succesful and talented preparation of grilled simple and complex carbohydrates as well as mastering the ratio of grease to meat in broiling and frying preparation.
Sadly, it was soon to all move forward as Mikey would not work for this particular soul sucking jerk. He planned to take it all back cause he wasn't saying jack.
During the cooking curriculum, Mikey became aware of his gift of gab. Having grasped live theatre to some degree, he harangued and stalked the local radio station owner until, out of fear, the man gave mikey a weekend midnight shift.
This shift would teach Mikey what it means to be stalked, but later scripture will speak of this. Mikey would continue this position during a majority of the following indebted servitude:
Employment at Little Caesars Pizza where Mikey found his second grade crush, who was his manager.
The early years of adoration proved of no value as when it came time to lop off a head of an employee to cut costs, Mikey was picked to go. This would be the only experience of the suffering of a layoff.
Mikey left, infuriated, passionately kissed his second grade crush for the final time, spoke the blessed words, "I know it was you, you broke my heart when I was eight" and went down the street and acquired immediate employment with........
Pizza Hut. sadly, where Mikey once again found that a supervisor patting him on the kiester is not always a reminder to speed up the dough preparation.
Soon, while spinning crispy crust, Mikey found it necessary to take a third job, with a local newspaper, who hired Mikey to act as a producer for its local television talk show.
Mikey was able to finagle a guest hosting position where he lambasted the standing mayor during an election regarding overspending on office furniture and general political tomfoolery.
To this day, Mikey is not allowed back in Pontiac, Michigan and to quote the mayor directly, "You done lost your Pontiac privileges"
Inspired by the looniness of a crazed, but groovy, methodist that Mikey knew, Mikey expanded his radio experience in Lexington, KY; two months short of a college degree.
While visiting his mother the following christmas, she beat him relentlessly with a rubber hose while telling him to finish his college education.
Mikey did this and retook a job with both the nearby radio station at home and another Pizza Hut where he was not smacked on the buttocks.
Mikey is 1/123rd Jamaican, if you were curious.
Like a cyclone, the influence of regular booty in the Life of Mikey led to a steady degradation of positions that will be listed here in no particular order. This is the fall of Mikey, the inevitable humbling all men must face.
Cornbread engineer(2 weeks)
Pizza Hut(new jersey)quit on a lunch hour
Radio Station Delaware-Promoted to program manager then fired in a marketing debacle involving two fighting squirrels. ratings did arrive due to this promotion but the injuries to the squirrels were to great as was the corporate negligence.
Escort Service Driver
office supply marketing intern
accountant lackey
commercial model(oh its true, and I was paid)
Ad agency shill(3 months)
Rip off perfume street salesman
Paid actor(more than twice)
Film extra
Cookbook salesman
Cable tv sales manager
Bank Customer Service
Funeral plot consultant
Frozen Food Saleperson
Fraudelent Sweepstakes Sales coordinator
Porn star radio show co producer
Sales Trainer
Mastercard/visa merchant sales
Asian Massuese trainer
Theatre Producer
Mountain Dew Bootlegger(from Iowa to Illinois)
and finally, the great humbling of Mikey, which would also provide him his greatest gift, his wife.
The establishment of his own business. (dealt in great detail in THE OPPRESSION OF MIKEY scripture)

The sun would rise again for Mikey, and he would once again sense he had gifts to offer and time should not be so readily wasted.
Fascinated by insurance and its apparent mafia influences, and tired of the outright poverty of acting and radio, Mikey embarked on an insurance adventure.
Great companies would seek the wisdom and talents of mikey, once he introduced himself repeatedly and annoyingly.
Mikey would work for them.
And might still be working for one in particular, had not the redneck CEO of this company with his arrogant philosophy and pedantic drawl grown a few inches and not offended the companies biggest client. Instead of spitting his skoal spit of an opinion back at their offer.
And we arrive at the current and best position ever, The home of Positive Mental attitude, from which, Mikey will begin his true reign and empire.
So it has passed, So shall this numerological retelling pass to the generation. So shall those that seek its lesson, avoid the foibles listed.

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

The Revelation of Mikey 1:3

Seek ye the way, and the light shall shine.
Seek ye the lesson, and the problem shall arise.
Seek ye the reason and the cause shall manifest.
Seek ye the positive and peace shall be thine.
Seek ye the negative and the bitching will commence.
And the day came when the weight of the past was overcame with the light of the future. When he chose to burdened no longer with the dumbells of decisions gone to the school for wayward boys.
I have oft found myself in the midst of a 20 piece chicken mcnugget superspecial while spewing diatribes on that which is not. Bitching to hear myself bitch because I was used to that voice. Occasionally attempting a solution to a lesser problem and in finding success to a lesser matter grasping firmer to the dimmer hope that I would one day address a bigger issue instead of continuing the circle of whine.
Through the headlights of the positive mental attitude(as I have learned from the great W. Clement Stone), I find there are two states of mind. There is positive, and there is reality, that which we want and that which is. With both states retaining positive qualities.
This is stark difference to my previous truth, that there is positive and negative, that the mind has all the character of a magnet. That there is good and bad states of mind.
This further reveals that if my previous truth was that there are good and bad states of mind, there had to have been periods, while in a bad state of mind, where I had to believe I, myself, was bad. When, all my state of mind was, was in a state of reality, and I was not aware of what was good.
Finally, I am free. And my potential is mine.