The Book Of Mikey

This is the evolution of Mikey as created by the blessing of God. Witness shall be given to those gifts given by god during the course of this evolution. All praise to god.

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Location: the realm of dreams, Pennsylvania, United States

The time has come to live without fear.

Thursday, November 25, 2004

The Numbers Of Mikey 1:2

Prior to Mikey, many sowed the seeds and reaped the wisdom that was passed to this generation. These throngs are listed here.(a reanalysis of recent findings within a clay cave near a gravel pit near Lapeer, Michigan have shed new light on the hierarchy of mikey than was previously listed in the lost book of Mikey, Numbers of Mikey 1:1)
In the beginning there was Adam, Adam begat abel who met the untimely end of a sports argument at the hands of Cain. Prior to that messiness, Abel begat Chip. Chip contemplated the fig business and in so doing begat Jehosophat. Jehosophat moved away from Mesopotamia to the west, crossing the Urals and begat Ivan. Ivan begat Hortense, Hortense begat Ivanhoe(this is not an exaggeration). Hortense, while preparing a wild potato dish, found fans of her cooking and formed one of the early tribes of Germania, and also begat Frau Melon. Frau Melon begat The Leader, The Leader begat a lad with an even larger head, His name was Jeff. Jeff started the first Germanic trade route with the emerging Egyptian empire bringing fortune to the family with trade in incense, erbs, gummy bears and beer. Jeff begat Frankenstein(who, oddly, did not have a big cranium, ending the streak). Frankenstien incurred the wrath of local townsfolk in limiting beer sales on Sunday and was walled up in a windmill and burned, but did begat Big feet Benny. Big Feet Benny begat Frau Skippy. Frau Skippy contemplated smashing peanuts and spreading them on rolls of rye, and begat Frau Jif. Frau Jif began the exodus to Hamburg and begat Olaf. Olaf begat Mulan. Mulan left Germania and fought a great conflict amongst the chinese peoples, but prior to that exodus begat Eric the Glum. Eric the Glum was convinced none of the local frauliens would be his until, in a drunken stupor he begat Count Von Vital. Count Von Vital established a royal line through Western Germany and the Von Vital family claims real estate ownership of 85% of Germany, Lichenstien and Denmark to this very day, a little known fact, Count Von Vital begat Jules the Elder. Jules the Elder came to the conclusion during a pagan ritual that She would not die and made the neccesary deal with the Lord of Dreams to make that happen and walks among us to this day, prior to this transaction, she begat Timmy. Timmy was a town idiot and save for a lost bet suffered by a local shop stewardess would not have begat Jezebel, but fortunately for this line, did infact do that begatting. Jezebel begat Arnold the Younger. Arnold the Younger begat Samsara. Samsara begat The high priest Slappy White. The high priest Slappy White begat Curly. Curly begat Mary, Queen of Scots.(this is as close as the line of mikey would come to political relevance). Mary, Queen of Scots, begat William, King Of Soap. William, King of Soap moved his lucrative cleaning business away from the great plagues in London at the time to the new world and begat Limey Louie. Limey Louie begat James. James begat Cotton Mather whom felt oppressed by the proliferation of hot chicks who would not give him the time of day and branded them all witches to burn them one by one, but did find time to begat Stands with Bitterness during a tryst with a native. Stands with Bitterness walked among the Puritans still and begat Feels with Grooviness. Feels with Grooviness fell hard for a colonial soldier and she begat Hezekiah. In between barn raising, Hezekiah begat Job. Job begat John Jacob Jingleheimerschmit. John Jacob Jingleheimerschmit begat Katherine, Katherine(whom is actually immortal though appears to take on the shape of a 96 year old grandmother) has begat many through the years as she has also made a deal with the Lord of Dreams and his sister and will never die, but for this discussion begat Arnold. and Arnold begat Mikey.

Thursday, November 18, 2004

The Chicks of Mikey 1:1

Forever more, All women prior to the blessing that is my wife shall be known as chicks.
This prose is meant to explain them to myself, but not to justify. For in the cases of many of these chicks there is no justification, only action with equal and opposite reaction. and the occasional monetary transaction.
Allow me to introduce a chick I knew, Her name is Rose. She still mingles among us, as a speech therapist no less. I have not set eyes upon her since the darkness of Clinton so my frame of reference only lies within the void of her 5ft frame from her 18th to 20th year, when she was mine, and I, hers in theory.
Due to there closer proximity, I was introduced to Rose's boobs, long before I ever met Rose. I had conversations with Rose's boobs, before I actually spoke to Rose. While she was tepidly reciting Sondheim I communicated with her bountiful breasts from afar.
"Are you able to breathe in there?" I telepathically asked.
"what care we for air", they sang, "we are perky and air serves us not."
A fine reply.
Sadly, this was the most interesting conversation that I would have with Rose or her intriuging parts within the two years we occupied each others spiritual space.
Still, there was regular sex, and at 22, which I was, This was more than enough to keep us in emotional neutral.
Disturbingly, one night Rose confided in me that she was dyslexic. The disturbance arose around a week later when she pointed out that she had lied, that she was not dyslexic, just that she was bad at spelling and she was afraid I would mock her entymogically and so, created the lie.
The trouble continued to brew.
We were engaged, as we understood it, in two months. I bartered for her ring for a collection of 1978 Detroit Tiger baseball cards, these cards did not include the rookie cards of Alan Trammel or Lou Whitaker.
My interest was to achieve some sort of consistent booty as this would assist in honing my intimate skills for later in my adult life.
This truth was foolishly hidden by the idea that I loved Rose. I even said so, and believed it.
I followed the breeze of Rose eastward across the country because my sails were taken that way and I liked the skies in that direction.
Still the trouble began to brew and the storm surge rolled in.
My car was stolen twice within the same month while seeking her favor.(recovered both times)
I was declared homeless for three days while a swill infested, skeeze islandler landlord couldn't meet me to hand over the apartment keys for which I had given him a deposit.
Bill clinton was elected president.
I actually had two other much more bodacious women, with deeper thoughts seek my favor( a first in life at this time) and I didn't see it or acknowledge it.(subconscious avoidance of other booty)
How could I not see the reaper stalking me? These events were bright steps that death and doom were coming my way.
So it cumulated, ON march 31st. 7:54pm. Cool Dr Pepper in hand, and munching on a Swiss Cheese burger at Diane's Uptown in Manhattan. The seventh sign of this experience would be uttered.
Rose spoke, "I think we should see other women."

What should have been a blessing, hung on my head like a full speed body check into the boards.
I could not negotiate my way into this revelation, and I could not save my own access to Rose's booty. The booty I had become accustomed to during the rise of Nirvana and Pearl Jam and fall of Ross Perot and Snow's "Informer".
Sadly, the next day was April 1st, and my circle of friends. used to my mirth, did not believe I had been tossed for the girlie love of another.
On april 2nd, they were more sympathetic.
I was stipped of my regular sex. And I was heartbroken. This led to relevant wisdom.
At the time of breakup, part in peace, go and cry, begin to mourn, because as sure as your heart bleeds and you go back to other business.
She will seek you out for "one last time".
Do not answer this call, advise you're flattered, maybe even a little curious. and leave it at that.
Leave them wanting you, and then when they call you, three, maybe four more times.
Have her pay for a neutral site, pay for your dinner, your drinks, and do her like its the final time, Like a priest is coming to guide you to the electric chair.
When finished, rise, smile, wish her the best.
and leave your booty worshipping in that room as you rejoin a better life..

Friday, November 12, 2004

The Bitterness of Mikey 1:1

An open letter from Mikey to those whom have had the gift of supervisory authority over him:

Why am I amazed that hordes and hordes of oafs and fools seem to find themselves in position of authority over me?
Is it not I who chose, no, willingly took the blindfold and then felt the burn of the gunshot to work for such fools and oafs?
Why does this vile taste continue to stain my professional affairs? Could it be that I require this level of moron as a source of creativity?
could be.
Or could it be that I enjoy causing pain and frustration in like and finding the depths of rage and borders of madness of each and every dopey manager for whom I've ever worked.
This is far more likely.
I have always spat in the face of pointless minutae and the goofs that attempt to grind it into my psyche. It is as if such lame policies are designed to more quickly identify whom will step to the management tune and who will not and to file them accordingly forevermore from that point.
With the preceding being said, I bring good tidings to a few whom always sparked gladness, contentment, intelligence and rationale thought. I remark that the following list of exceptions to my experiences with the morons of middle management is short and does not include myself from my self employed period of 1995 to 1997 for I was a great fool and I should not have worked for myself at that time.
Good tidings and great blessing are saved for Josee and Andrew of Wexford, Art of the south side, Shawn of Oakmont, Mike and Riggs of Warren, Ed of San Diego, Steven of Chicago, Bob of Summit, Jerry of Clio, and Big Feet Benny of the bronx. These are the rarities among those without cognitive capability, those without coordination, those who breathe mediocrity.
May all others take heed, though your soul has long since been dealt for the position you claim to be yours. It is not too late to join those for whom the credit is given. Those who lie in the trenches, create the result and reflect on the production of a life righteously fought.

Peace unto Nancy of the sixth circle, I know your suffering and it brings light to your madness that did not exist before. Any great clean up hitter knows your pain when learning how to bat from the other side of the plate later in a career, there is much to learn, many mistakes to be made. Go ye in peace and live the life you require and know the blessing of mikey.

Dave of Moon, Know ye that it was my own darkness that caused me to convince you that I had a brain cyst when I did not, and that it was guilt over this fallacy that caused you to take me back only for me to then leave you. The pinnacle of a jilted relationship. You should have let me move to claims as I pleaded with you to do. Go ye also in peace.

Janine of Lexington, Know ye this: that I would have taken my own life rather than work another day in your prescence, and though this cannot be good for your esteem, it was the entire environment that was moving me to suicide. To avoid this tribulation and to save the many women of this life the blessing of my gifts, I chose to leave you on that fateful lunch hour without a clue of why it all came down. Go ye also in peace.

I give my highest of thanks and blessings to the lord, for it is upon me now that the only person I can truly work for and criticize correctly is myself. And so it shall be.