The Book Of Mikey

The revelation of Mikey 9/11/11

2011-09-11T20:24:00.000-07:00

A reading from the letter of Mikey to Lynda the wise.

after completing both radiation and chemotherapy following the tumor that was skillfully carved out of my brain by the great Dr. David Cohen, it seems appropriate to contemplate the event fully.

One of the things I love about being American is the innate genetic code that allows all who care to listen to spit in the face of a worry like cancer and simply say, "whatever y'all" I will go on just fine. This is what makes us Americans instead of American'ts . It is the very thing that, if you choose to listen allow you to give and not only reive, to support when you otherwise just want to sit down. To enrich someone else when all you want is to be enriched. It is the very essence of the truth that all that is, is not all about you. It is about us all. And there in lies peace.

I can not recall a more delicious spiritual moment than the first sip of ice water after I regained consciousness following my surgery. It was absolutely glorious. The thing is. I have access to that water each and every day. It is all around me and has been given to us by that which is, all that is. I have heretofore clothed myself with gratitude and gratitude alone, especially on the occasion that I would otherwise like to whine. I give much thanks to those who have given me joy and wisdom over my days. In time I will write of each of you right here. That my gratitude may be preserved.

Thanks be to the father, the son and the holy spirit.

but that's me.

man.

The Wisdom of Mikey 1:1

2008-10-30T18:20:00.000-07:00

The tree to the fruit.

If you're like me, at all, you've had moments where a personality trait, tick, idiosyncracy, or habit continues to exist in your day to day affairs, although you've moved strongly against it.(both premptively and actively). You've read the books on how to change the tick, trait or habit, you've spun the discs, you've attended the seminars. AND STILL you reek of consistency.

Whilst railing against the thought forsaken man for the 644,333rd time after the thought-forsaken man had once again exhibited punbjab mediocrity regarding a relevant issue, like, making a clear decision that others could understand. Mikey was blessed with a moment of clarity priority mail from he that sent Mikey.

Your mother and father hated those they worked for, they told you how much they hated those they worked for, their parents hated those they worked for, and so on, and so on.

In fact, The skull of mikey did shine with blissful clarity as the sun did bounce off of it when Mikey did understand his entire childhood and formative years were spent listening to the grumblings of those who hate their keepers.

From the rule of Saint Benedict: Chapter 7
Holy Scripture, brethren, cries out to us, saying,"Everyone who exalts himself shall be humbled,and he who humbles himself shall be exalted" (Luke 14:11).In saying this it shows usthat all exaltation is a kind of pride,against which the Prophet proves himself to be on guardwhen he says,"Lord, my heart is not exalted,nor are mine eyes lifted up;neither have I walked in great matters,nor in wonders above me."But how has he acted?"Rather have I been of humble mindthan exalting myself;as a weaned child on its mother's breast,so You solace my soul" (Ps. 13[14]0[131][131]:1-2).

Mikey was blessed with the realization that he had exalted himself thinking that his parents had given him all he needed, and relied upon this knowledge with little regard for the unknown.

Mikey was also blessed with the thankfulness of that which had been given to him by his parents.

Mikey did pick up his roots and move to more fertile soil, nonetheless.

Chronicles of Mikey 1:3

2008-10-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

In the time of revelation. there were those who stood on the firmament and denied the existence of the firmament.
there were those who were warmed by the sun and closed their eyes to the light of the sun to see the firmament upon which they stood.

These souls of denial walked the land stating they were of the people and for the people.

YET.

ran for the caves to hide from alleged oppressors and did not voice support, due to, "Viability"

Though role models would pass by these souls of denial:
Men like Henry the Fifth
Ben Franklin
John Hancock
George Washington
The Apostle Paul

each would ask the soul of denial. "This is America, who are you to determine what candidate is viable, or not?"

This particular soul of denial(having spurned the efforts of Mikey repeatedly to point out not only the source of the warmth this soul denial is warmed by, but the light that comes from this source as well)
Would simply say, "I will vote for the lesser of two evils."

So saieth Mikey, "With such stubborness, I will give you an additional choice."

The soul of denial did say, "What is my choice Mikey, you know I cannot vote for McCain as he is not conservative, nor can I vote for Obama, as he is a socialist, so I must sit home on my duff and do nothing, this is my choice. What additional choice will you give me"

Mikey continued" The father did give you this country and your life within this country, for these reasons you must vote for president, and not sit home. Your additional choice is this, and it comes from he who sent me. You may choose the place for my foot, either in your dorsal side, or upside your port bow. Or you can vote, and make no choice of where my foot shall land"

The soul of denial did say, "I have noticed the light, it comes from that which warms me, I will vote and spare your foot"

Mikey did grin, and the people did feast upon the joy of this choice

The Exodus of Mikey 1:2

2007-11-04T20:30:00.000-08:00

In the time before the light, Mikey did spin tunes for several Radio stations that did not reward his efforts in any substantial sheckles. Mikey did this, because Mikey liked the sound of his voice too much, and was even more fond of the idea that people would be listening to the voice of Mikey in between commercials for SPOONERS ICE CREAM SHOPPE, THE LUTHERAN HOUR, and DAVE HALL CHEVY.
It was with joy that Mikey did hear the words of the LORD one early sunday morning during the airshift of Mikey when Mikey did speak to the Midnight shift masses of Lapeer County after "Howard Hoefliens, Saturday Night, Ride to Midnight"
The Radio Station that Mikey did offer his tribulation to was Adult Contemporary in nature. This caused Mikey to fall into the Abyss of Moutain Dew Addiction to keep his words and actions sharp while the on-air music and lyrics were dull and listless.
A call came in during the 3rd playing of a Phil Collins tune in the first hour of Mikey's shift. In this case, "Tonight Tonight Tonight" from Genesis, though still Phil Collins by default.
Mikey did answer the phone. The listener did speak.
"Wow, you sure have a sexy voice, what is your name." Mikey noted the voice sounded female.
Mikey did reply.
"Don't I say it 10 times an hour, isn't this a radio station?"
The listener did advise, "I wanted to be sure, a lot of people use different names, when they are on the air"
Mikey began to fall asleep as the 7 eleven bought Mountain was losing it insomniac powers, "Really, that's amazing, is there anything I can play for you?"
The caller got down to business, "Yes, I'd like to hear some Phil Collins, maybe Sussudio? and do you want to come to my house after work to have sex?"
At this moment, The voice of the LORD could be heard.
"MIKEY, YOU ARE WORKING FOR PEANUTS AND YOU ARE BEING HIT ON BY GIRLS OF AN UNKNOWN STRUCTURE AN AGE, GET THEE TO CHICAGO AND WILL GIVE YOUR FUTURE TO YOU"
Mikey did gracefully advise the caller that an Emergency Broadcast situation had presented itself and she should turn on her tv. Mikey did hang up the phone.
Mikey did finish his shift, playing such sleepless classics as Taylor Dayne's "Love will lead you back", Bruce Willis' version of "On the Boardwalk" and Gerry Rafferty's "Baker Street". Mikey then put in his two week notice and made plans to move to Chicago as the Lord had blessed him with instruction to do.

DoyouBlameme 1:1

2007-11-04T20:13:00.000-08:00

Mikey had reflected on the misery of the masses for 40 days within the desert of El Cajon and San Diego.
These were darkened times.
Misery seemed to be commonplace amongst the masses, take as an example the t shirted wearing gentlemen driving a 1993 Ford Crown Victoria who took it upon himself to pull up next to Mikey in the left turn lane while Mikey did wait in the righteous Through lane awaiting the turning of the light from Red to Green.
The t Shirted man did say, in between beats of his Toby Keith cassette. "I'M GONNA PULL AROUND YOU CAUSE YOU ARE A SLOW POKE. DO YOU HEAR ME, BECAUSE YOU ARE A SLOW POKE!"
Mikey pondered.
In making love to the Wife of Mikey, being a slow poke was always rewarded with mutual satisfaction and appropriate kudos for Mikey.
In investments, slow, even handed decision making had mitigated losses during 1987, 2000 and again in 2007.
In baking, a slow cooked stew, was always better than a microwaved stew.
Yet here, Mikey stood on the brink of bloody conflict due to a similar belief.

Mikey paraphrased scripture after his window did roll down.
"If I've said something wrong, tell me what it is, Why do you strike me with a name like, "Slowpoke"? Isn't that a candy, or something?
The T shirted man did retort, "yeah, well that's what you are and I'm going around you when this light turns green.." Mikey did hear the verses of Toby Keith's "American Soldier" emanating from this crown victoria,which Mikey thought, from the smell of burning oil and sweet burn of anti freeze onto the running engine was less than 100 miles from a significant breakdown.
As the T shirted man would carry much tribulation in the days to come from this forthcoming breakdown, Mikey did give his blessing.
"Go in peace when the light turns green, but speak the word 'slowpoke' no more."

The light did turn green, and the tshirted man did go to his waiting fate.

The Redemption of Mikey 1:3

2006-11-05T19:24:00.000-08:00

Upon the path of enlightenment, Like the stretch of I-75 in Detroit that leads you from Wyandotte to I-696, or the mystic wonder that is the approach to any of the tunnels surrounding and within Pittsburgh's road system.
You will find many craters in the road that will task your suspension. your physical body and your gas mileage.
Some of these will be large enough to swallow you, if you do not see them coming.
Yet the testimony of Mikey and the testimony he gives of the true light will show that each and every hole is useful. Every crater reveals lessons about yourself. Every broken shock absorber a better path and a better tactic to take.
Every lost mile from your gasoline, a better method.
Mikey has always been an odd nut, sometimes by his genetic programming, other times by choice(as this was always entertaining to Mikey).
For years, Mikey was late to arrive to events, employment, cups of coffee, whatever it might be.
Mikey had viewed his righteous father sing many curse words such as, "Mother Scratching Cunt" and "You little Hoooor" while leaving for work screaming about he would have to speed to make it on time.
Mikey saw this as the way. And so it was for Mikey.
Mikey looked upon the many speeding tickets received by his father by troopers in training(who knew The Dad of Mikey by Name) as a badge of the righteousness carried by his father and a level of purpose to which he should strive.(more on the demonic horde of the Lapeer City Police force in the book of Jefferson).
Hurricane Francis would finally reset this faulty wiring and change the alternator within the brain of Mikey.
Mikey,within his mathematic genius, had calculated the exact time it took to travel from his bed within his slave quarters both by foot and by 8 cylinder Chevrolet Caprice to his desk and beginning work. Mikey had done this to protect himself from the Two Time Nazis employed at his work to spot his lateness. Additonal calculations were made to allow for apporpriate mental retardation and slowness of Starbucks Baristas to serve the pre-requisite Sugar Free Vanilla Latte.
This time calculation was 41 minutes. and it was blissful in its flawlessness.
On a September afternoon, Mikey made a left turn onto Route 8 heading south.
Also turning left, just ahead of Mikey, an 18 wheel semi truck with empty trailer.
There are two lanes heading south on Route 8, Mikey in the right hand lane, the truck in the left hand lane.
The rain of Hurricane Francis was soft and steady, and made Mikey feel as if he were a tomato plant being watered by Hose in April,
The truck took this moment of serendipity to turn right, right in front of Mikey.
Mikey did attempt evasive action, the kind familiar to fans of Star Trek.
Mikey attempted to go into a ditch to avoid what appeared to be approaching doom as the truck continued to turn in front of Mikey.
One problem, no ditch. Just a raised hill, upon which Mikey and his caprice did glide.
The moistened brakes did slow the descent to destruction and did prolong the suspense of what was to happen. Much like a slow motion fight scene, Mikey did clearly see the turning trailer approaching him, and his Caprice was too tall to go under the trailer safely.
Impact.
Fortunately for Mikey, the truck did stop and did not flatten Mikey into a Potato Pancake from the Potato Head of Mikey.
Shocked to the core, Mikey did crawl out of the car to the amazement of stupified onlookers(three of which would give witness for Mikey to get his car and Cervical area repaired by the Insurance company of the truck).
Mikey was bleeding lightly from many areas, but did take his LG-7000 camera/video phone to document this offense against him and his caprice.
At the completion of the documentation, rising pain in tendons and bones did take away the uprightness of Mikey and he did fall.
While on the ground and during the placement of Mikey upon an Ambulance gurney, the true light that shines onto all of us did shine upon Mikey. Its gift was hope and wisdom, but not relief from the pain.
"If I had given myself more time to travel, more time to get my coffee, and more time to arrive at work, I would not be here. I would not have crossed the path of this truck and the truck would not have attempted to snuff me out. This excruciating pain in my Cervical and Lumbar area would not be afflicting me."
Mikey has never been late for ANY occassion since.
The blood pressure of Mikey has also been lessened.

The Revelation of Mikey 3:1

2006-05-25T19:07:00.000-07:00

While walking past a Starbucks, as was often Mikey's way, Mikey did become aware of waving writings on the surface of a green umbrella covered table. These writings were tied with a bow.
as if to be a gift.
Mikey did read.

Ode to a fat fuck:

Fat Fuck Fat Fuck, how long will you grumble.
Sugar, red meat and butter are what always make you stumble.

You've gone from 3XL to XL but calories you pack.
Without a plan and a focus your pecs will soon be a rack.

Fat Fuck Fat Fuck, so much you do bitch.
You can't take off what you've put on by flicking a switch

Whine, piss, moan and complain.
Try diet after diet as if you were sane.

Buy a tall shirt, believe its because you're tall
And your gut will always remain your wall.

Pick those big boat feet of the ground, and take a new step.
and focus on action instead of pounds that you've kept.

You've been like an island and your hope has done bled.
in the end, its only your yap and denial you've fed.

Find a team, start the scheme, and read this again.
when what you want to look like now, is what you look like then.

Mikey did re wrap the poem and sat it down on the table. Mikey's tummy did rumbly but the words rang true and therefore the words did have purpose.
Mikey took his Whipped Cream Frappacino and threw it directly into the nearby Subway station.

Upon being told Mikey would have to clean this up, Mikey did run.

The Chicks of Mikey 1:3

2006-05-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

Katherine McPhee and Mandisa.
Now there's two pieces of bread Mikey would be the Ham, mustard and tomatoe for..

The Ascension of Mikey 1:2(The retirement of impatience)

2006-05-24T20:24:00.000-07:00

Debbie did seek out Mikey for his wisdom. Though Mikey did not seek out Debbie.
Perhaps, even on the worst of days, blinded by buzzards, barren of water for weeks and without a nearby Starbucks for the all important daily pick me up, Mikey still would not have sought out Debbie.
But Debbie did seek out Mikey.
With Debbie, came the befuddled, milksop, hopeless wisp of a man Willie. Willie would serve useful to Mikey, for it would be Willie that would translate the high pitched, pained screams of Debbie into workable english that Mikey could bring his ministry too so that peace again could oer reign the day.
Debbie began the conversation.
"WHY DID THOSE BASTARDS KICK ME OFF MY INSURANCE!!!WHAT DID I DO?!!I'VE GOT TO HAVE MY PILLS!!IVE GOT DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS!!AHHHH! AHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Willie translated;
"My wife is upset that she's been kicked off her insurance"
Prior to Willie's calm summary, Debbie restarted and sounded like a Juiceman Jr. Stuck on a hard husk of celery while making its juice;
"HELP ME! HELP ME! HELP ME! IVE GOT DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS. I DON'T UNDERSTAND NOONE HELPS ME EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET ME WHY WON'T THEY LISTEN I NEED MY PILLS, MY INSURANCE I DON'T GET THIS!"
Willie translated;
"My wife is upset that she's been kicked off her insurance"
The peace that only exists between the delivery of ball two and kick and deal delivery of strike one allowed Mikey to interject.
"Medicare is the devil to many people. its true" Saieth Mikey. "But first, for both of you to undertand what has happened, and what will happen next. you must first breathe. Can you do this?"
Debbie was still on her very first breath and with the lung power of Celine Dion in the midst of the chorus of ,"My Heart will go on", Debbie interjected.
"IVE TALKED TO 23 PEOPLE NOONE WILL HELP ME, EVERYONE IS OUT TO GET ME, THE GOVERNMENT IS PLOTTING AGAINST ME WHAT AM I TO DO IM JUST GOING TO LIVE IN THE BASEMENT AND SOMEONE HAD BETTER BRING ME MY PILLS!!!!"
Sharper than a ginsu knife, Willie translated:
"My wife is upset that she's been kicked off her insurance"
The Word overcame Mikey with peace and wisdom, the Word that has always been with God.
"Both of you will breathe, and do nothing else. Do you understand?"
Sounds of Oxygen filling Alveoli filled the air. and the casual blasting of CO2 from those same Alveoli.
While Debbie screamed, Mikey used this time like a fine gardner to reap the weeds of this problem and presented them in peace to both Debbie and Larry.
The old traits of sarcasm and self entertaining abuse of others did not pollute his words.
"Debbie, as long as you continue to breathe, and believe, as I believe, that this Medicare insurance is not a breathing living thing, and therefore cannot outhink you or I. The clouds will lift, The darkness will fall, and the light that cannot be put out will bring you the peace of the answer. The answer you seek regarding this, Medicare Part D."
For the first time, perhaps in all of her tribulation, Debbie was silent.
"I see the light Mikey, I will take this Medicare Part D." Debbie calmly resolved.
"Larry", Saieth Mikey, "Brother Larry, do you see what needs to be done, as I see it and do you see the peace that it can bring you. now and forevermore?"
"I will see" said Larry varying his speech,"That she takes this Medicare Part D"
"Go now to your task, and know the peace of Mikey" Saieth Mikey.

The Piety of Mikey 1:2

2006-03-13T19:22:00.000-08:00

A letter from Mikey to Jules the Younger

Mikey felt the tightening fingers of the moneychangers of Middle Eastern and Texas Oil interests choking the life from his revolving charge.
Mikey remembered the recent storm of wickedness that pushed gasoline to $3.31 a gallon and Mikey to a second minsitry to simply afford the backward and forward travel to his first ministry.
In a simpler day, Mikey could walk on Jerusalem slippers from engagement to engagement. Mikey was thinner then.
Perhaps Mikey would be mindful to be thinner again. Leaner, Sharper, Wiser, quicker.
Perhaps Mikey could rebuild himself and his relationship to the Teet of Crude Oil , make himself better than he was,
The movie would begin like this.
"Mikey, avid automobile enthusist, a man barely alive."
"He can rebuild himself, make himself better than he was before"
"better, stronger, faster"
Because as sure as the prophets foretold the victorious Pittsburgh Steelers, that a buffoon would rise to prominence in America and Zealot Hospitaler Pat Robertson would attempt to lead an eleventh crusade with vapid Georgia and South Carolina nobles, The 700 Club and their employees to retake the holy land.....
You can damn sure bet gas will be $3.50 to $4.50 a gallon as soon as a bodacious breeze blows this summer though nary a pike of oil refining damage will be done. ZIP DAMAGE. NONE.
The moneychangers of Texas will ally with the moneychangers of the Middle East to choke Mikey once more.
Mikey will not allow this to pass.
Holding up his middle finger each morning in front of the office of the local natural gas company, Mikey LOVES to walk around Casa Mikey in two sets of clothes with his thermostat at 52 degrees. Just to SHOW EM!
Mikey does this under the advisement that hypothermia sets in at 51 degrees.
Mikey will ride his reinforced(reinforced, as Mikey is not yet thinner as in olden time) Titanium Schwinn super special to the Bus Stop and take Public transportation fueled by hybrid technology to work and budget extracuricular activities around the needs of Mrs. Mikey to avoid duplicate trips and further feather the pockets of the whores of Haliburton and the destruction they have helped wrought.
If need be, Mikey will dig a ditch in his backyard and cook chickens on a spit over fire built with the sales materials of Hummer2, Hummer3 and HummerJr.
Its not that Mikey doesn't like a good hummer, but these trucks belong on the field of battle not in the hands of a low esteem 31 year old jag off who seeks to get second and third looks from girls coming out of "21 forever"
Mikey pauses, lest his anger create an aneurysm the size of the aneurysm he currently posses dormant since the days of Evil Nancy/Good Nancy/Psycho Nancy..(all that in 33 seconds flat and right back to Good Nancy, seriously)
To close, and to release himself of this rage, Mikey passes just a few more words.
FUCK IRAN, FUCK EXXON, FUCK OUR PLANNED LIMITED REFINING CAPACITY. and may these moneychanges and idolators reap what they sow.
May the wisdom of Eric the Glum be with you all.
and may each of you find favor with the next hottie you see.
The service is now over.
Go in Peace.
Amen.

The Ascension of Mikey 1.1(the retirement of M.J.)

2006-01-23T19:54:00.000-08:00

On a cool September Saturday afternoon, in the midst of a Michigan Wolverine Vs. Michigan State Spartan halftime with leaves falling and vascilatting between red, orange and pumpkin innards yellow, Mikey called M.J. for a short meeting.
M.J. entered the dining area clad in sweats, an Irish Hooligan Soccer shirt and odd Oakland University pajama shorts painfully strewn over his sweats. He wore three years old Addidas, no shoestrings, M.J. did smell faintly of fraudelent Giorgio Red for Men. M.J.'s hair was in disarray and due to the wind outside, the melon of M.J. was not unlike an oncoming comet. The similarity of the melon of M.J. to that of 1997's Halle Bopp that this mighty melon did cause a local 16 person cult to assume it was their time to return to their home planet and they did all take their lives that afternoon while reading the autobiography of Detroit Lions owner William Clay Ford,"Mediocrity ain't so bad!".
Mikey did sit calmly at the head of the table. Neatly prepped, Mikey carried a notepad and pen, the notepad did carry some tables, various short paragraphs and in reinforced in the words, "Ohio State Sucks Big Boobies". Mikey was formalized in tannish shirt, black tie, black slacks the distinct crispness of just the right amount of Stetson Wild Country.
"What's the meeting for Mikey?" M.J. blurt out in the midst of Mikey's preparatory thought pattern.
"The time has come for you to take your place in the basement, amidst the rest of the relics. Your time has been past for quite some time now and like the '89 San Francisco earthquake many of the cracks you've left remain to be patched and filled." saieth Mikey.
"I don't think you're the one to put me there Mikey.", stuttered M.J., " I'm still in charge here yknow." Fear seemed to cross the unshaven brow of M.J. The kind of Fear M.J. recalled while his gut was being pummeled by the redneck John Utley against the outside library wall in the 10th grade and all M.J. could muster in the midst of the beating was, "You redneck bastard, is that all you got, Is that all you got?"
"You know that's not true, look around you. Do you see the new furniture? the books? the art? that the damn carpet has been cleaned of crap and actually washed? The hot chick in the bedroom? What make you of all this? You spend your time in endless rounds of Robotron 2084 and the umpteenth viewing of Return of the Jedi looking for yet another hidden meaning to a life you remain afraid to approach?" Mikey leaned forward.
"I am telling you the truth." Saieth Mikey, "you will always have a home here. but it is time for you to know your place. And your place, your time has gone. Its memory fills the basement with regret and the profit of garage sales to come. You will be at home there and you cannot deny that."
"You think I'm stupid? You need me, how do you expect to be half as witty if you lock me up? put me away? Who will rescue you from tight moments of uncomfortable silence, who will fill you with self worth with a quick one liner to floor the hot mamas? You?" M.J. smiled, "You are too serious"
"I was" saieth Mikey, "but I have remembered what I have learned from you. You make it impossible to be deaf to your ramblings, Make peace with the present and retire to the past."
"Your time is finished"
"And what will you do when you need me, when you run out of challenges and you need to remember again, what will you do then big shot? where will I be?" challenged M.J.
"You will be where you have always been." Mikey calmly stood up and walked to M.J., "You will be where it is most comfortable, the fan will be on, the tunes will be rocking and time will not touch you."
"I promise you M.J., I will keep you apprised about real life, and occasionally I will seek your counsel, but your time is officially laminated and put in the photo book. This is the best." saieth Mikey.
"I'm afraid" M.J. said, "that you will let me die, forget I ever was, who will come and see me then."
"Relax, you will remain a part of me, and I you. But today Mikey takes the wheel and reads the map."saieth Mikey,"M.J. rides shotgun and gets to order what he wants from the drive thru and I promise to let you run around at rest stops. O.K.?"
M.J. pondered.
"if the fan breaks downstairs? or I need a new cd player? You will buy it for me?"
"absolutely" saieth Mikey.
M.J. smiled grabbed a mountain dew, and lummoxed his way downstairs.
Mikey stood up, the game long since over with another Michigan victory, took a walk to the patio, and stood once again under the stars.

The Oppressors of Mikey 1:1

2006-01-11T20:02:00.000-08:00

At the moment of revelation that forgiveness leads to redemption. Mikey did choose to write down the names of all those who would seek his blood and spirit to trash.
In a time before now, when mikey did carry his melonhead as a burden instead of the blessing it is.
and in a time before now when mikey did secretly wish the spiritual dismemberment of some of those who would try to quash him, those listed here did carry malice when mentioning Mikey.
Mikey gives these souls peace and wishes them blessing in the days and life to come.
The list of the oppressors of mikey is complete as it reads, for Mikey carries no current oppression and through the blessings of the creator will not in the future.
Mikey did write the following names down.
Pete of the Island of Cefalu, Nancy the Ice witch, Kari the moneychanger, the lab experiments gone awry that are Tammy and Barb, That arrogant rat fink at "Entertainment Weekly" that things everyone is out to get him and so carries that chip between everyone and his own commone sense, John Utley( I apologize for calling you a shit kicking redneck in the tenth grade), Angela the Methodist, Dave of Charleston who wouldn't let me move to claims when I asked nicely, The living incarnation of ignorance that is Clan Mys, The foolishness and lack of attention of him known as M.J.(may he be playing pac man somewhere away from me), The cloak of bitterness that was Kevin of Antioch, Sue(who would be 26 though she is closing in on 62 and the devil aint buying to change that for her), Dan Fogelberg and all of his sugar soaked bullshit music that didn't allow me to experience testosterone until 1985, The 1992 Perot for President campaign, Samuel Garcia(the 13 year old kid who stole my car at the time(a 1980 olds cutlass) and couldnt explain to the Bronx police why he didn't have a Michigan drivers license or a Melon head like the license plate said), Tom of Rochester(may he rest in peace), Bob's 24 hour auto repair of Charleston(no doubt your fraudelent ways put your business on a path far worse than the wrath of Mikey), Chip Beale of Florida(give it up dude, you are bald), The nameless freakshow who pursued the 13 year old mikey up and down the halls of Lapeer East one September afternoon hitting him with every large head epithet in the book(melonhead, pumpkinhead, beachball, Saturn, Bowling Ball, Sputnik).
Mikey reviewed the list of names on the paper, whispered a blessing to all those listed, and through the paper in the mighty river and watched it be eaten by a catfish.
"you are all forgiven, go in peace" Saieth Mikey.

The Revelation of Mikey 2:3

2005-10-31T19:09:00.000-08:00

Malaise.
Bitter, putrid, make you spit up your yoplait yogurt at 5 am malaise.
The hopelessness of seeing your light turn green and your f0ot is crazy glued to the ashtray so right in the middle of traffic you will sit.
Malaise.
not apathy, or nihlism, both of these would be quite liberating and allow the magma of madness to vent.
Malaise.
Mikey came to see himself clothed in the vestements of Malaise, for the very first time. The cloak came upon him like the symbiote that tried to strangle Spider Man right after the first Marvel Super Hero Secret Wars.
With no cathedral bell in site to ring loudly to shatter the grip of the coat of malaise, Mikey would first try to find the place he placed the coat on himself, by choice.
"Malaise does feel comfortable." Mikey spoke silently to himself and his faithful cat companion, Bagira. "It is especially useful in the morning when I must listen to the many ways that the morning news and that hideous kinky witch Newlin Archinal and her Satan Spawn sidekick Bob Bruce wish to tell me that today is the day I will die."
The righteousness of Dee Thompson is truly wasted on that evil lot. The hardest working man tries to lead by telling of the true light to the darkened souls of the WPXI morning team, still they banish him to the worst stories, EVERY SINGLE MORNING.
Mikey realized in this blessed moment, that he stands with Dee Thompson and likens himself to the struggle that Dee faces every day.
If there were a house fire, or an auto accident in Hell, the rat bastards at Channel 11 WPXI would send Dee Thompson there to cover it.
It is not right, It is not just, and It keeps the working man in all of us down.
Therefore, To shatter the curse of Malaise. Mikey will watch cartoons first thing in the morning, instead of the news of Channel 11.
And the sun rose again.

The Bitterness of Mikey 1:3

2005-09-30T17:44:00.000-07:00

A letter from Mikey to Eric The Glum, carbon copied to the Michiganders.
For years I have railed against the Catholic Church, like a blue tail fly slapping his wings against the window of the vatican in the hopes someone might open a window and I could fly inside to buzz about.
And yet, I have always been Catholic. Even During the dark times, and the coming of he whose name shall not be spoken.
I have always sat in the cathedral, genuflected, known this is what I was.
Still I buzzed about, The complaining always continuing about the same dried out topics.
The Catholic Church won't allow Female Priests.
The Catholic Church charged me to listen to a priest about how to stay married.
The Catholic Church would use my sunday worship to complain about finances than hearing the word.
The Catholic Church wouldn't give Henry VII or Martin Luther a break, and so there are far less Catholics.
The Catholic Church gave my parents the kool aid that I needed to be banished to 13 years of CCD where each question offered was met with, "Sit down and stop causing trouble."
Still, there was a first step, a true first step that allowed my spirit to war against what it already knew was right for it. An initial distraction away from peace to confusion.
In reading Matthew 16:19 where it is written Peter receives the keys to heaven.
I am reminded why 13 years of CCD was not all bad, how it caused me to think, and in even in rebellion learn how to play basic piano that I might play the University of Michigan Fight song on the Church pipe organ.
Soon after this I was cast out into the darkness. though the light I carried was never fully put out.
I am struck by the first move away. The first step to confusion.
In the 10th year of CCD, there was a particularly cute Methodist whom I sought favor with.
Not as a manly conquest, for she was too high strung, but as a political ally within the Roman Senate that is high school.
Many times did I laugh at her lament, "You Catholics just don't like anybody, and so, nobody really likes you."
This ate away at my resolve and dimmed the light of truth within me as I was a social pragmatist at the time. My Church is holding me back from social blessing? Its time for a rest from this.
This led to an aimless drift. My Methodist friend had her focus, I had let mine slip away to impress my social circle and this chick.
Worse, I carried bitterness against the Church for my own choice.
I reject this path, and accept the Church at is core completely and utterly.
May peace be with you Eric the Glum and may the cluleless of Michigan recognize peace when it does arrive for each of them.

The Redemption of Mikey 1:2

2005-07-20T20:08:00.000-07:00

The voices of the fools Banky and Tricky rattle in the frontal lobe of Mikey like the bite of the drill bit of a Spinal Tap.
The equilibrium of peace and harmony carried by Mikey is shaken to the core as the two fools continue the relentless droning and blather about booze, dogs, unemployment, and dopey husbands that has chipped away at Mikey's blessed equilibrium for 4 and one half moons.
"How shall I school them?" thought Mikey.
Didn't the stupid and the willingly foolish require harsh schooling, the exact kind of verbal destruction that emanates from the righteousness of Mikey.
IS this not one of the true gifts of Mikey?
Still the fools rambled on, spattering their mindless drivel with sychophant cackling: Banky, like that 300+ pound lass that works the midnight shift at the Gas and Go always moving way too slow and never shaves off all of the facial hair from her drunken mug.
Try as she might.
The cackle of Tricky was more like a drunken, epileptic Betty Rubble. Tricky Cackles on every fourth or fifth syllable for reasons that were her own and are the stupefication of others.
Mikey chose mockery by example in hopes of illuminating these special cretins of just how annoying they are. Intermittently, as each of these two boobs(or in these two chicks case, four)would unfurl each unique cackle, Mikey would up the volume, extend the length of cackle and deliver a perfect imitation in the direction of each dope.
This Mockery also helped to loosen the pressure of the magma flow within the melon of Mikey.
The white trash ignoramus Tricky and Truck Stop attendent Banky stood dumbfounded and silent. Banky did manage a glorious epithet, "Whatever." spoke the wannabe Sunoco Clerk.
The grin of spiritual peace briefly settled with Mikey and the volcanic Sarcasm that brewed beneath the shifting techtonic plates within the skull of Mikey were stilled.
Mikey knew that Sarcasm was the bitter cousin of anger but Mikey gave this fact little note.
As the watch of Mikey ticked off the quiet and calm, 2 minutes and 34 seconds passed before the two moronic sisters began their blabber once again. This time on the world changing subject of how best to cook a hamburger and what percentage of fat in ground meat was the best tasting and whom to root for on Big Brother 6.
Mikey took the rock to the hole; after every third word, Mikey did laugh like a Hyena and for a mightien and mightier length of time, in the style of Charles De Mar..
Surely, Mikey thought, this example will lead them to peace and shut the both of them the hell up.
And silence did lie with both Truck driving Mama Banky and Bingo Queen Tricky...for just a little more than a minute, then the blathering did recommence.
Mikey did feel staple of fire and suffering shoot from lobe to lobe in his brain as this inane, pedantic crap rattled all about and through the mighty melon of Mikey.
Mikey neared the precipice of despair.
Was Mikey cursed to suffer while seeing with these two fools?
The Dhamma said it best when it said, "Association with the foolish is ever painful as with a foe"
Mikey did remind himself of this and the hope to one day wear the yellow robe.
And in that blissful moment, Mikey Knew.
Only the fool can admit foolishness and be wise. Would Mikey take a dump next to the cat who just pooped on his shoes?
No.
Mikey knew he would pet the cat, toss it a ball to amuse itself, and move on.
and so Mikey did.

The Piety of Mikey 1:1

2005-05-15T18:23:00.000-07:00

In traveling to the many lands we all share, Mikey began to notice common threads of bondage that we all suffer.
The ease of access to fast food.
The infinite combinations of BOGO at your local grocery mart when all you've come for is a loaf of bread, bottle of milk and a stick of butter.
The tasty sugared items that beckon you with comfort and an extra energy jolt when all you wanted was 10 gallons of gas.
Mikey pondered. If Mikey was to truly raise millions that he would give away, he must separate himself from the system that keeps us all as working cogs.
In doing so, Mikey would observe why others bind themselves to the system and develop strategies to grow his own empire of benevolence.
And in growing the millions he would have the free time he needs to create the legendary tales of Half and Half Nancy and Mys the Clownshoe in perpetuity.
So it came to be that Mikey cast himself into the jungle of capitalism for 40 days with a barren desert of means, deliberately.
This would also purge the monkeys from the back of Mikey that ride him daily.
Such as the blessing of a Sugar Free Vanilla Latte from StarBucks.
This place was often referred to by Jules the Elder as, "StarFucks".
While relevant, the elder's negativity did not carry meaning for Mikey until he entered the jungle the first day. Almost immediately upon passing the source of Caffeine so blessed to Mikey, the melon of Mikey began to throb.
And, as the melon of Mikey is vast, the waves of pain generated by this event was the cause of the Aurora Borealis over northern Siberia and the destruction of the Mars Polar Lander.
Immediately, Mikey knew the purging of the system from his body and soul was a righteous endeavor.
Mikey stopped the mighty Mikey Caprice in the parking lot of the Starbucks oppressor and removed himself from his car. Mikey sat at a plastic patio table and quietly prayed for strength.
A man approached Mikey, looking strikingly like Bush 43, but moving with the speed and carrying the hairline of Bush 41. The man donned a black silk suit and smoke rose from all around his gait.
"Why trouble yourself with this? You feel the pain within that massive cranium of yours don't you? I will give you your own StarBucks if you get down on your knees and give honor to only me. I am the system and I will do this for you if you relieve yourself of this burden." saieth the man.
"Don't vex me Devil" saieth Mikey.
"Look at the smiling faces that go in and out with their own latte, you could be one of them and profit from their needs, just worship me." saieth the man.
"GET OUT!" Mikey screamed and made a roundhouse kick at the man.
The man disappeared in smoke.
So passed the first day of the Piety of Mikey.

The Revelation of Mikey 2:2

2005-05-03T20:01:00.000-07:00

Yet the blessing continued to roll through the mind of Mikey. For then did true wisdom fall upon his cranium and by the miracle of optimism, did not bounce to the ground, ricocheting off the massive skull structure that is the melon of Mikey.
In a blink, Mikey did stand upon the top of a 1979 Malibu Station Wagon. This made Mikey the tallest man in Michigan by default. This height allowed Mikey to see shadows of things to come.
Mikey saw single file lines of people, appearing to be all men as there were no breasts protruding from this lot.
Hundred, maybe thousands, all marching in single file, a massive squadron hundreds wide walked and approached Mikey..
The throngs seemed to be all individually drinking Iron City Light beer and wearing the numbers 3 and 8 with various corporate propaganda tattooed to their clothing.
Companies like, "The Home Depot", "Federal Express", "Kmart" were represented.
The odd army began a horrifying chant.
"We are assholes, We are assholes, We are assholes, We are assholes, We are assholes."
The numbers of these self proclaimed assholes seemed to be growing by the minute as hundreds more seemed to rise above the horizon like some asshole sunrise.
The members of this army all stared blankly ahead, saying nothing except their chant.
"we are assholes"
occasionally one would spit tobacco juice on the pavement and then recommence the chant.
Mikey was amazed, for he did not personally know an asshole. But were he to know one, Mikey could see that asshole dressing like these assholes.
Mikey felt the need to question this vision, could it hold larger answers, greater peace to other problems.
A particularly rotund asshole approached his Malibu station wagon, Mikey jumped off the top of the car like a lynx and stood in front of this asshole.
"May I ask you a question, sir?" saieth Mikey.
The asshole looked down at the number 8 on his jacket and back at Mikey.
"Shoot, but only a couple, I've got to get to a race."
Mikey pressed his advantage, the asshole was off balance.
"You all say you're assholes, let me ask you this first,"queried Mikey, "If you saw a sign at a grocery store that said, '8 ITEMS OR LESS', what would that mean to you?"
The head of the asshole was instantly enveloped in an orange glow that cast a shadow upon Mikey.
The asshole stood silent, then, "It would mean nothing."
A calm settled over Mikey, "One more good asshole, and I thank you for your time, may many blessing follow you and your asshole family."
"O.K." saieth the asshole.
Mikey raised his eyebrow in honor of Saint Belushi, "my final question is Multiple choice. choose the best answer. Your cell phone is ringing, in which of these places could you answer it gracefully.
A. The middle of a movie you've paid $10 to see at a local cineplex.
B. The middle of a sex act you are performing on your significant other.
C. The middle of a jail cell while a sex act is being performed on you.
D. The middle of your wedding ceremony while you hear the words, "and do you..."?

Again, instantly, the asshole was enveloped in an orange glow that doppler shift to red while the asshole prepared the answer.

"I could answer my cell phone gracefully in all of them places." saieth the asshole.

with that, the asshole took a long drag from his 44 ounce Iron City Malt Liquor Lite and cotinued the walk and restarted the terrifying chant.

Mikey was oddly at peace, for a large puzzle piece of the 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle of real life suddenly fell into place.

May these blessings of wisdom continue.

The Fall Of Mikey 1:1

2005-05-01T18:58:00.000-07:00

Mikey was fond of walking, and would walk for miles at a time simply to amuse and ponder days to come.
Much like the Christmas Warlock from "Santa Claus is coming to Town" who could no longer do card tricks at the freezing of his soul.
When Mikey fell, he fell body, soul, heart and spirit.
At the beginning of the fall, Mikey stopped walking and awaited events to pass him by, jumping on those that caught his interest and riding them till his attention span changed.
Mikey had given up all direction and focus, and unlike that same Warlock from, "Santa Claus is coming to town", Mikey did not put "One foot in front of the other", ever.
Mikey sought only the favor that lied at the bottom of a Mountain Dew bottle. Due to this, for the year of 1994, Mikey did not sleep at all.
In fact, Mikey did not blink from January to May of that year.
Mountain dew was that powerful in 1994.
Heretics and Bohemians and GFP's would often hail Mikey from the door of his studio apartment in Chicago. Each would plead the good wishes of Mikey and that he would come hither that his innate ability to amuse and bemuse simultaneously could be brought out for a commercial production or two.
Mikey indulged the occasional theatrical group, no memory or artifact of these performances remain today.
This was the "Dew" period of Mikey.
All Mikey knew was that he was really, REALLY awake and this helped dull the gnawing anguish that breathing gave him during this time.
Mikey began to feel the cold embrace of apathy and simply due to the excellence of the bootleg Mikey possessed of, "Mellon collie and the Infinite Sadness" from the Smashing Pumpkins.
The existence of Mikey turned Spartan as all that existed in this tribulation was the Cat of Mikey, the Bed of Mikey, and the refrigerator of Mikey. The refrigerator was always stacked with Mountain dew for Mikey, and Nine Lives for the cat of Mikey.
An acquaintance of Mikey from the initial days of his ministry in Baltimore did seek Mikey out one fogged July evening of damp misery.
Jen Nicodemus had ascended in a short time to an executive position with a local improvisational troupe. Nothing about Jen Nicodemus floated the manly boat of Mikey,(which is an exceptional event for Mikey was not a fussy man with the ladies during this dark age), however Jen Nicodemus did know of the entertainment skill of Mikey and left a happy invitation on Mikey's answering machine.
"Mikey, be Mercury, add wings to your feet, and bring thyself to the Improv Institute this Thursday night."
Mikey was quizzical on the cleverness of the speech and decided to present himself.
More will be spoken of this penultimate night of Mikey in later passages of this gospel, but the most relevant event was the crossing of paths that Mikey tripped upon with the one known as Happy Julie.
Like so many audiences across the many tribal lands, Happy Julie was both amused and bemused by Mikey and remained orbiting his personal space for the majority of this night and on each path crossing in the near future from this night.
Happy Julie was pleasant to the ear, almost as pleasant to the eye, and as Mikey had not considered legitimate female companionship since he was traded in for the three wise lesbians, Mikey gave Happy Julie his phone number and address in a fleeting moment of whimsy.
And just like that, a few beaver dives later(as Mikey would sheath his sword for many moons after he was traded in for the three wise lesbians) and Bob's your uncle, Mikey received a card from Happy Julie proclaiming his lovemaking skill and her appreciation of same.
What could Mikey do?
Mikey was moved to do the one thing that his many Michigan brethren had done before him while they wallowed in apathy and bitterness.
Mikey never spoke to Happy Julie again and found clever ways to not be in the same space as she when she did socialize.
Happy Julie knows now, the blessing of Mikey, for this unfair oppression she did endure. May the fortunes of Happy Julie grow as the years progress.

The Exodus of Mikey 1:1

2005-04-26T21:27:00.000-07:00

In time, Mikey would see that the land of his birth was the source of the oppression that threatened his peace.
On that day, Mikey would leave Michigan for the far warmer, dopier climate of Kentucky.
Mikey would be arrested at the bridge connecting Cincinnati, Ohio with Covington, Kentucky for attempting to smuggle books into the state that did not contain pictures with bright colors.
The Michiganders did follow Mikey as they fleed the bitterness of Michigan. These fine individuals would settle like fine volcanic dust all across the americas fruitfully fertilizing many a strange land to grow spiritually, but far from Michigan.
Just south of Dayton, Ohio at a gas station outside of the Venus Night Club, Mikey paused to take a walk to contemplate the future.
Mikey did climb a hill, the mightiest hill in all of Ohio at a majestic 12 feet 6 inches, at the top of the hill sat an empty ash tray(the kind that stands two or three feet), with thousands of deadened cigarette butts strewn about the ground.
From this peak, Mikey did see the sprawling badlands of Wapokeneta, Ohio and the failed basketball dreams of the University of Dayton.
Mikey heard a voice.
"Melonhead."
Mikey paused, he had not heard this voice since beating the living bejeezubs out of Rich Coulter in the Eighth Grade when he uttered the same word after a successful layup of Mikey's versus the demons of Zemmer Junior High.
"Melonhead"
"rich?" sayeth Mikey.
"No clownshoe, I am the angel Michael, your namesake. As I have battled, so shall you. Behold, regard how the ashtray burns."
The ashtray did then glow like the end of a doobie. Mikey was nebby all at once.
"Show yourself Michael, that we may talk further." sayeth Mikey.
"And how about I place my sizeable heavenly boot in your rotund ass to show you how much patience I have for conversation." Sayeth The angel Michael.
"Fair enough." said Mikey.
"Before you Melonhead, shall ye see your ten commandments which are addendums to the original ten commandments we all must follow. Should you be able to pull yourself away from asian chicks, porn, mountain dew, and the bitter comfort of sarcasm. ye might find your destiny through these righteous directives."
With those words, Mikey's remaining hairs were parted down the middle by a blast of high charged carbon monoxide and the angel was not heard again.
The nebbiness of Mikey did rise, below him sat a neatly pressed Trapper Keeper, the name "Mikey" was written in crayon on a label.
Mikey did open the trapper keeper, it was red, and the velcro did make a mighty thunderous rip as the trapper keeper was pried open. A lone KOOL cigarette butt did roll down the mighty hill at the tremor of this velcro rip.
Mikey did read.

The following is a transcript from this holy text translated from the original aramaic..

Melonhead, pay heed to these directives. Your future is contingent on your will to begin your dedication to these directives.

Mikey, when you wish to begin your journey.

Thou shalt not partake of refined sugared beverages.

Thou shalt have patience for the pedantic blandness that finds its source from Nancy and her like crazed ilk and dogma.

Thou shalt think of someone other than yourself.

Thou shalt plot the destruction of Allstate.

Thou shalt learn the way of Clinton and know all events are positive.

Thou shalt not mediate the commerce of crack like items, these items include, but are not limited to:
Cell Phones
Hobby/Gaming Items
Refined Sugar Products
Unfounded creative skills in others
Sarri's candy bars(with almond or crunch, straight Milk Chocolate is ok)

Thou shalt reconcile all family business.

Thou shalt shrink your fat cells efficiently, for their width is wide from your refined sugar abuse.

Thou shalt take the name of he who shall not be spoken(though you have yet to meet this individual) and rise his name up in glory, though he will forever crawl in dust like the facilitating, enabling serpent of the original fall of man .

Thou shalt start engines of commerce, and continue starting engines of commerce until you have reached the wealth never before known by your clan. then ye shall give half of it away to whom and what thou wilt.

If ye be of righteousness as it is rumored thou art, let your potential be loosed through these commandments, or if thee be mediocre, let these commandments haunt you to madness.

Mikey closed the Trapper Keeper and was glad to find an excellent pen in the front pocket.
Mikey was at peace, for now he knew exactly what he had to do.

The Booty Knockin of Mikey 1:1

2005-04-17T20:11:00.000-07:00

In this unclean book, the tales of those whom Mikey has fornicated and those whom Mikey has been fornicated by shall be released.
This book is rated "PG-13" for this reason. The life and times of Mikey can avoid an "R" rating so that the word may pass to a larger audience.
In the time between toys and bills, the focus of Mikey fell to that of female form. Mikey was hard wired like the freeway between Fort Worth, Texas and Dallas, Texas.
Straight and no curves.
Mikey would pass through 17 years before his will was as willing as his mojo to find female companionship to facilitate his journey from apprentice to master of all things chick.
The amour of Mikey would rise and fall like the tides of the Atlantic. Rising with the hope of climbing to fulfillment and falling to uncover the jagged rejection of the coastline once again.
A warm June evening would push the will of Mikey as high as the already mighty Mojo of Mikey.
This convergence would end his neophyte status.
At the gathering of Tony Scott at the Deerfield Fire Hall, Mikey would endure and engage the company of many.
Such pearls of wisdom the fell before Mikey are listed but are not limited to:
"You might as well face it Mikey, you are addicted to love"-Spoke Ewing the Crazed when hearing Robert Palmer for the first time.
"Tony better pay for the chips in my Windshield, or he shall be smited"-Spoke James the Apostle.
"I'd like to show her my Sledgehammer"-Spoke Powers the Lame.
And the clearest pearl that would begin the loosening of the virginal cross that Mikey had carried for the many 17 years.
"Save me a dance Mikey, and make sure it is a slow one"-Spoke Kimberly the Chaste.
And though Mikey and Kimberly did booty knock, Kimberly remained always chaste in spirit and therefore always blessed in the eyes of Mikey.
Upon hearing this pearl from Kimberly, Mikey was moved to consult with Mitch the Elder whom had great success with chicks of varying stature, size and melons. This consul would prove most fortuitous.
"Mitch, what does it mean when a woman wants you to save a slow dance for her?" Spoke Mikey.
"Your virginity blinds you, " Spoke Mitch, "seek her company away from this gathering and all will be revealed."
"Away from this revelry? " Quizzed Mikey, "How do I do that"
"You think like the boobs you watch" Mitch illuminated, "Ask her to go for a walk."
Mikey reflected, It was brilliant in its innocence.
The true convergence began to reveal itself, Mikey heard the beginnings tones of Lou Reed's "Walk on the Wildside" when Mikey determined he would act on the advice of the elder.
Upon seeing the glorious Kimberly, Mikey spouted,"Kimberly, would you like to go for a walk?"
Sayeth Kimberly, "Sure, where?"
This question stopped Mikey cold, where indeed?
"Outside?" hoped Mikey.
And the two began there trek to the outdoors of the decorated Deerfield Fire Hall. Upon exiting the back door of the Deerfield Fire Hall and turning on the sidewalk just to the south, Kimberly turned to Mikey and placed a kiss on Mikey so rooted in the passion of this moment that corns on the feet of Mikey(gathered from many miles of walking to preach)lost there footing on the feet of Mikey and fell harmlessly from the foot to the sock of Mikey. The head of Mikey was Kodachrome and all things were VistaVision. Mikey saw colors all around while being kissed that seemed to jump from the trees, buildings and grass. This continued for at least 1 minute and 13 seconds. At 1:14, Kimberly broke this long strange trip with a word.
"You know I'm a tease" Kimberly said.
Mikey did not care about this and went to reconnecting with the colors of the immediate environment through the lips of Kimberly. Kimberly was still willing in this search and offered these same lips. They tasted of a fine mix of Sprite, Stuffed Peppers and Watermelons. It was thirst quenching.
At 5 minutes 33 of this brain freeing, sprite fest, Kimberly ended as quickly as Mikey was confused.
"We should go back in" Kimberly smiled, "But you should come with me and my friends to Riley the Wise's house. He has a pool and wants us to Skinny dip with him."
Mikey now was blessed with the comfort of the all powerful Lord and Savior, the years of chick penance endured by Mikey were to be rewarded because Mikey had never lost faith. It is most glorious.
But there would be no, "Skinny Dipping" for Mikey. This Mikey would not do. The only public nudity that Mikey would ever engage in would be on the stage of the Oscars when the time was right again for such a display.
Mikey theorized most admirably that if he arrived comfortably late to the house of Riley. That the overanxious other dudes at the house of Riley would have coerced the girls to "Skinny Dip" early and that since it was a brisk night in June, they would end the public nudity perpetration early.
This postulate proved to be a theorem as upon the arrival of Mikey to the House of Riley, Kimberly and her two girlfriends had already stripped, swam and were shivering back in the house of Riley.
Mikey did not anticipate the arrival of Lindsey the Smooth.
Mikey knew Lindsey by his track record. It was alleged and to a slightly smaller number confirmed by Mikey that 114 chicks had been successfully engaged by Lindsey the Smooth in some form of booty knockin. Kimberly was not one of this lot, but was understandably curious.
In this curiosity, Kimberly had changed her focus from the virginal Mikey, to the smoothness of Lindsey.
Mikey did some quick math.
There were three women present. All of whom had recently been naked.
There were four men present, including Mikey. Someone was going to lose.
Then a bombshell, One girfriend of Kimberly's, Christine announced:"Lets go to the park and have an orgy"
Mikey did not know what this meant specifically, and as it was 12 years till the coming of the rock and roll group that would reach the charts with the remaking of New Order's, "Blue Monday", Mikey could only assume that the term related to booty knockin in some sense and so went to work.
Mikey went to Lindsey, and gave a quality that was heretofore unknown to Mikey before that moment, humility.
"Lindsey, can I talk to you?" Pleaded Mikey.
"Sure man, what's up?"
"You know, as well as I, that you are considered a king among men when it comes to the ladies, do you not?" Stated Mikey.
Lindsey smirked the smirk of a man who could sell hamburgers to greenpeace.
"Sure, its one of my gifts" sayeth Lindsey.
"I have to ask the largest favor I could ask of any man, and if you grant it, I would be in your debt. You see Lindsey, I have been a virgin all my life, and I believe Kimberly(whom you have been engaging in your smoothness) wishes to relieve me of this burden provided there is not mightier and more dashing a gent available for her attentions. I wish for her to take this burden from me." Mikey paused. "This is where the favor arrives. As I am schooled in your chick brilliance like all other men of our age and school district, Could you find it in your heart to disappear for an hour a so whilst I journey to the park and get my jimmy waxed?"
(The terms, "Jimmy" and "Waxed" were picked up by Mikey as an ardent fan of the great hip hop group, Boogie Down Productions.)
"Sure, no problem, I need a little bit more time to recover from earlier in the night anyway" Lindsey stated.
"Were you? Did? Kim? Did?", Mikey feared.
"No, the other two." smirking that greenpeace grin again.
"Dang"
The journey to the park was on, now that the mathematics were in line and there was a woman for each man on this journey.
Kimberly inquired on the four block journey, "what happened to Lindsey?"
"I guess he needed a nap" sayeth Mikey.
Upon finding a clearing after crossing a bridge over the mighty Flint River, the booty knocking did commence.
There was little conversation immediately prior to the event, Mikey did not presently find it odd that Riley and Joe the previously unknown were engaging in the same activity within four feet on each side of where Mikey was to lose his burden.
SO it began, Mikey thought that this deed was much like push-ups. Mikey contemplated how this activity seemed relatively easy for Kimberly as she didn't really do much but lie there in quiet thought.
But then.
Kimberly began to make sounds; odd, enjoyable sounds. These sounds were pleasing to the ear of Mikey. Perhaps The knowledge of Mikey of this activity carried with him from past lives and is what gave Kimberly what heard to be an enjoyable experience.
The Pushups continued for Mikey, these were not tribulation for Mikey as he was transfixed and amazed by the facial contortions made by Kimberly.
In there time, each of the other two couples would leave, their departures being announced by Riley and then Joe, both saying, "oops".
Mikey continued his pushups with Kimberly underneath. If this is sex, Mikey thought, this is not a big deal at all. I could do this all day, Mikey happily realized.
Kimberly suddenly became much louder in her exclamations and shuddered beneath Mikey.
"Should I give you a moment?" asked Mikey.
"Yes, wow" Sayeth Kimberly.
Wow is good, thought Mikey, Mikey grabbed his clothes, redonned them and turned to depart.
"look at the moon", grinned Kim, "Isn't that romantic"
"I hate to say this, Kim"as Mikey was always honest, "but you need to put your glasses back on because that is a street light on the top of the hill. "
There was an odd moment of silence.
"But the streetlight is romantic, " Mikey quickly added."Kimberly, I want to thank you because that was my first time and I really enjoyed this with you. I will never forget you."
"that's nice Mikey"Kimberly smiled,"but we won't be doing it again. see you soon."
It would be two years before Mikey would once again have the will to equal his mojo and Kim's prophecy would be true. She would later marry Lindsey the Smooth.
But it would be Mikey that got there first.

The Lamentations of Mikey 1:2

2005-04-05T21:12:00.000-07:00

A letter from Mikey to Jules The Younger upon the passing of his patience.

Surely you have seen me strive to exhibit the patience of Kings and the wisdom of Clerics with all peoples of all shades. I have often written to you of my struggles to communicate with the green hued people of the Ire-Land and the insatiable bitter need they have to plant potatoes where potatoes do not grow.
You have witnessed me attempt to teach our tongue to the stubborn germanic tribes whose only communication seems to be the words, "Nein", "I could die at any time", and "Vas?"
I have often been guilty of the sin of pride when relating my ability to absorb the darkness of true stupidity within human beings and reflect back to them the light of the peace of common sense.
This ended while visiting a local merchant of Cell phones.
Directly in front of my observant self was a man of dark hue who brought with him to battle an elder from his family( of a lighter chocolate hue )in an attempt to get a replacement for the phone he received in the mail that he now decides he, "Doesn't Like anymore".
The pilgrim would plead, "Why can't you give me a new phone?"
The Customer Service rep, of hershey's dark chocolate hue whose name badge read, "Charon the Boatman" stated, "Because you need to send it back where you got it to get a new phone."
This exchange would repeat itself with varying volumes, the pilgrim and his mother wildly shaking their skulls, Interjections for excitement and emotion, alien phrases like, "no, you did not" or "Oh NO he did not"(note: grammar has been clarified for layperson understanding)
Finally, The boatman gave absolution...." I could help you, but I want you to call the people who sent it to you, do that and I will entertain your problem." The boatman smiled.
The pilgrim and his mother were shaken to the bones of their metatarsals. Rage shot out their mouths like the fire that shoots from the bill of Daffy Duck when he mistakenly drinks gallons of Tobasco.
The interjections that followed from the pilgrim and his mother were for excitement and emotion but were also best suited for an NC17 audience.
The pilgrim spoke, "I will not leave until you help me. I don't care if I die right here, next to you nations largest network sign. Can you hear me now?"
The boatman spoke, "Stop it, Just stop it. Whatever"
Sound advice he thought, sadly, that thought, like the tumor in his colon, was far up his keister never to see the light of day.
Wanting Just a Car charger, good sirrah Jules, My time to speak had arrived before more lifeforce was stolen by the stalemate. A throng of ten had gathered behind me in line while the pilgrim bargained for his speech. In my pocket, I noticed substantial weight in nickels, pennies and dimes, I took it out and held it in my hand.
"Pardon Boatman" I passed, "if you do not help this humble man, I will throw pennies at you intermittently until you run screaming. and the pilgrim will remain here unassited. Your problem will have doubled. I will then encourage my fellow line mates throw even more change at your moneychanging business until you choke on your own welts or help the nubian knave."
"Its your move".
The boatman smiled, waved to the pilgrim and the problem was rectified. I bought my car charger and rebuffed all efforts to also purchase a leather case.
My shame is that I had always thought Common Sense would cost more than spare change.

The Whining of Mikey 1:1

2005-03-15T19:51:00.000-08:00

Often, in those early times, Mikey would carry the bliss of peace and the tshirt that said so plainly.
"I don't whine"
Sadly, unearthed from the basement of the local order of the Mikey Knights Templar, is the gospel that dispels the tshirt.
Mikey did whine, and whine a lot prior to enlightenment.
Remember, as Mikey tells us, Each of us are not born from the womb as genius, but like the "Hello Kitty" jigsaw puzzles we are, we accumulate bits and pieces until the 100 piece picture is finished.
The following loose translation from Aramaic is startling in its reference to modern topics. It is estimated these passages come after the exodus from Michigan and just after the completion of the journey to the hills of Monroeville:

A letter to Eric The Elder upon the passing of Michigan misery and the embracing of the coming joy.

What the hell is the deal with Angelina Jolie. How do you get lips like that without a liftime free rotation offer at the same time.
I'll tell you how kind friend. Because she was built, not born.
She is a plastic surgery frankenstein. And is the failed cosmetic operations of six women from San Diego. These errors were left unattended and when a wayward auto mechanic placed an airhose in the messy lot.
BOOM BOOM BOOM
there stood Angelina Jolie.
And not unlike a soap box derby racer in a Cub Scout race, she was shaved and carved by the cosmetic masters into the shapes you see now.
Just don't let her stand out in hot weather without some sort of cooling device. Or down the sewer she will drip until her soul, Like in Wes Craven's "Shocker" uses the sewer system to invade another host through an available orifice.
Avoid ye "Girl Interrupted" if ye can. To watch it is to place your very soul at risk.

The Alma Mater of Mikey 1:1

2005-03-08T18:48:00.000-08:00

The stage was set, The Alma Mater of Mikey had suffered long and lively to the hands of great hoop teams like Illinois, Xavier, even horrific atrocities like Ferris State, Northville Institute and the University of Michigan in Dearborn back in the cold, damp hole that was the GLIAC conference.
Only a glorious University of Dayton victory would have compared to the exhaltation that shook the core of the land when the 3 point shot fell that sank the tourney hopes of Oral Roberts University and the abherration that is its 900 foot Jesus seeing founder.
In the day, it is written that Mikey was the field announcer for the Alma Mater. Letting all that would be in attendence know when a basket actually sank in the high school gymnasium that substituted for NCAA Division II competition.
The voice of Mikey would boom for the tens in attendence. scamming the dulcet tones of the great Ken Calvert as Mikey would deliver stellar banter like..."Foul on Number 33 Wallace Davis, his first, teams third" or, "Don't forget to attend this saturday afternoons match against the Ferris State Bulldogs, First three people in the door get a box of paperclips."
Then Mikey was birthed into the Lesbian-girlfriend turning, 22% interest, Crap choking car real world in 1991, These tribulation would serve as musical fodder for the great composers of the time;Beck Hanson, New Kids on the Block, Pearl Jam and Biz Markie.....
The Alma Mater would be birthed into the harsh real world in 1996 when they tore down that HighSchool Gymnasium and built a real field house and joined the MCC conference and Division I NCAA ball.
Sure, The Alma Mater is in the dance at 12 and 18. Worst losing record ever to make it to the tournament.
And they will be eviscerated in sweetness. probably by Wake Forest as I understand it.
But while I can't bear to roll off a chorus of, "Three Cheers for Wake Forest".
This ascension of the utter beauty that is the mediocrity of this years Golden Grizzly team is luminescent brillant hope for all of humankind and mostly for myself.. There are no more excuses to greatness. Your gifts will deliver your prize.
HUZZAH!

The Bitterness of Mikey 1:2

2005-03-02T18:07:00.000-08:00

The following is a transcript of a confession made to Father Genjarius by Mikey, at the bottom of the fall and before the rise.
Mikey-
Forgive me father for the 256 magazines I signed up for one year subscriptions in the name of my nemesis and checked the box, "Bill Me Later".
Forgive the 21 times I convinced the local power company to turn the electricity off at the house of my nemesis by telling them each time. "Yeah, I think solar power can work"
Forgive the 3122 times I called my credit card company telling them I wished to, "pay them in full" only to fake a heart attack and die just before providing payment.
Forgive the days of 12/2/1991-12/6/1991 and the month of January 1992. For in these times, in my darkened soul, did I take thy name in vain and bargain my soul away for the Detroit Lions to win a championship. I foolishly did not specify a "Super Bowl " Championship and lost my soul for a time. I won my soul back after betting Satan that Bill Clinton would take the presidency in the same year. I did this, knowing in advance Ross Perot has sold his soul to Satan, but Satan did not know, I knew.
Forgive me for blaming my parents for everything, I was wrong. Other than correctly blaming myself, I should have also blamed my lifelong addiction to Mountain Dew and Chicken Mcnuggets.
Forgive me for hitting on every woman of near Asian Descent I've ever seen, and forgive the majority of them for beating the hell out of me.
Forgive me for staying with my first fiance for two years, but sometimes, as you know, regardless of what EVERYONE is saying. The sex is still too good to leave.
Forgive me for laughing at the mentally retarded from a distance, I'm really just jealous that they have so little stress and cannot express this jealousy usefully.

Father Genjarius-
Is that all my son?

Mikey-
To the best of my recollection.

Father Genjarius-
Then: say 3,122,416 hail marys, 221,433 Our Fathers, 3111 acts of contrition and never touch the yellow heroin that is Mountain Dew ever again.

The Revelation of Mikey 2:1

2005-03-02T17:35:00.000-08:00

The blessing continued its revelation after much clarity on my immense Melon. Which I don't feel is such a bad thing now.
The blessing revealed many prophesies. Stupefied, I stood.
I felt a summer breeze settle across my mind and my eyes closed, immediately I stood in a room where in a lazy boy recliner sat an elderly gentleman with huge circular glasses and a fluorescent blue and red suit jacket and pants. He wore a t shirt underneath the suit jacket that said, "Detroit Lions, Super Bowl CCLXIX Chamions". This T Shirt brought me gladness heretofore unexperienced. The shiny man handed me a newspaper, the date on the paper was March 4th, 2234. I read and saw.
IN the years to come:
A mild sedative gas will be packaged in spray can form. Like "Febreze" is now. Only this product will bring peace and quiet into your life when you spray it.
Noisy, whiny cat that has to be fed, again, at 4:36 am? Just spray, "SleepEze" on said cat and peace will return.
An entire first grade class that just won't shut up? Try the SleepEze fogger, which, like roach killer will cover a whole room in moments and bring silence whence before there was only 6 year old anarchy.
The best picture at the Oscars will be "Formica", a three hour odyssey directed by 2433 year old Clint Eastwood featuring the spiritual journey of a Nepalese man who wishes to renovate his bathroom.
War will ravage the divided peoples of West Virginia and Virginia, an immense wall will be built around the entire perimiter of Virginia to defend its borders against the saxon hordes of West Virginia. Sadly, the people of Virginia will die of Emphysema as Virginia's governor will forget to build doors in the wall and with Cigarettes as the only sustenence, the entire population will chain smoke themselves to the grave.
Seeing this tragedy, the horrific struggle between North and South Dakota will be settled and the two fiefdoms will secede from the American Empire and unify under the single nationstate, "YaHeyDere".
George Bush the LongShanks will bomb the beejeezubs out of the new nationstate for this treason and the anihlated nationstate will turn into a parking lot for the ever expanding Mall of America which now encompasses all of Minnesota and Wisconsin.
THE MALL OF AMERICA, Two states wide and where you can get a prime rib buffet or a trollop of your choice for only $1.99, 24 hours a day.
The blessings continued.,

Michigan 1:5

2005-03-02T17:17:00.000-08:00

A letter to the people of Michigan transcribed by Eric the Elder from the ancient text of Big Feet Benny, the earliest ancestor of Mikey to leave guiding blessing to the people of Michigan.

To my angry brothers of the tribes of SagginGnawin, DeTruth, and Point To My Sac;

I write to you on this crisp autumn day of Novembre of the year of our lord 632. I write to you though I know that you and your kind cannot read. That your tribes are content to smear blotches of blueberries and sacrificed deer blood on the very living rock and refer to it as communication.

I write to you with the humble prayer that one day your descendents will read, will communicate with words, and will recall the darkest times of this land of Me Bitch Again.

I have coined the name of "Me Bitch Again" because that is all the people here have done since my arrival to bring the word of our lord.

Complaints, Complaints, Complaints: If it isn't, "Why can't the deer just come to front door and die, why do I have to hunt them?", its, "When will the King give me some free deer meat so I don't have to hunt?"
Or perhaps the best yet, "When will someone give me some fire, what ever that is, so I can be warm like those weird friendly people to the north in Can a beer and the south in O Why O Why O."
The word and the Lord are there to bring all of us light. And yet, people of Me Bitch Again, you would wall yourself up in self abuse never letting the light of peace and happiness shine upon you.
May your children and your children's children wakeup and lighten up. The gift of life is too short to waste it waiting for handouts or smearing deer blood on your neighbors Mud Hut.

Think on it. And may you know the blessing of Mikey.

The Lamentations of Mikey 1:1

2005-01-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

A letter from Eric the Elder to Mikey upon the review of the tribulations and burdens of Mikey circa March 2000 while enjoying a "moons over my hammy" at a local denny's..

Cast ye away the guilt of thy preceding generations O Mikey.

This is not your weight to carry.

Give ye the blessing of the haggard witches that are your grandmothers. They have sown the seeds of bitterness from the days of Warren G Harding. They will not change their ways in their final hours as their hearing leaves them and there understanding of common sense so much less than those earlier roaring times. Instead, Give of them your time and love(which they will not know what to do with). The aged, wicked ones will reject your generousity out of confusion. Let the thousands of years they've sown this discord speak for itself as each grandmother explains their bitterness to the one greater than you or I.

The cause of any family misery or bitterness extends far deeper into the roots than you can imagine. This also is not your doing, but you have the choice to separate yourself from the tree or catch the wind and build a new tree of your own, bitterness free. Remember this as your undead grandparents continue to spur lucid misery on each of their kin and sail above it in peace. Then, shall ye know wisdom.

The Chicks of Mikey 1:2

2005-01-11T14:10:00.000-08:00

It is written by some that the greatest of all enemies is the one whose name shall not be written here. This is false in theory and practice, for in this unfortunate bit of business, Mikey was his own enemy.
The greatest in magnitude of all of the enemies of Mikey,(and there are few enemies as Mikey walks the way of the Dhamma and is all about peace and love), is Cindy.
Cindy is hot, regardless that it is over 20 years since this epic struggle. It is also regardless that she may be married and weigh a metric ton. She is hot, on this you can rely.
The reason for this hotness is Cindy is evil, and evil will always be hot. Hot like that ex girlfriend(or boyfriend) who was cheating on you with several people of varying stature all the while looking into your eyes and swearing allegiance, repeatedly. So it is with Cindy.
If that ex called, and wanted a quickie, you be theirs lock and key, and you wouldn't think twice. So it is with Cindy.
Cindy was not an ex of Mikey's, but she was the best friend of the first girl whom Mikey's unending skill of romance first found its dull focus.
It is here we begin the retelling.
In the time before the fall, there was only innocence. There was the naievte that perhaps Mikey was bigger than the game.
Everybody liked Mikey. Mikey liked himself.
And then, Cindy came.
She came to give fradulent testimony of the bonafideness of Mikey to her alleged cheerocracy pal Stephanie. Mikey had been inspired from the beauty of Stephanie to attempt to win her favor in the old school medieval way. These ways that are now outlawed by most stalking statutes.
Mikey sacrificed to win the favor of Stephanie, he drove in a driving windstorm on his Schwinn Odyssey(mikey was not of driving age) to the local burg and ordered a dozen carnations for delivery on the next school day. Mikey braved the same storm for the return trip and a warm cup of ovaltine. This delivery would be fortuitous as both Mikey and Stephanie shared the same biology class. Sadly, Cindy was present here as well.
The cloud of deceipt began to build when the flowers arrived and Cindy found they were not for her.
The pinnacle of the romantic overture occurred on the exit from this convergent Biology class where Stephanie and Mikey shared a conversation on the creative direction of Duran Duran and was "Girls on Film" really the beginning of the end. The two made an agreement to sit together at Lunch the next day. Fortune smiled on Mikey.
All things turned black after this...and the next days' Pizza and fries went consumed only by Mikey.
Only Shards of the actual heresies exist to this day, embellishments cloud their truth. They are mentioned in passing by the Mikey Knights Templar who review the truth while protecting the original smashed books of mikey, some are revealed in the Gospel of James and the accompanying Gospel of Christian. Explanations of the acts of Mikey can be found in the gospel of Jules.
What can be repeated is this. Mikey ceased to exist in reality in the eyes of the recepient of those carnations after that day.
Mikey would not lie down peacefully, Mikey would find the beginnings of humility in this as he would overdo amour during spirit week to seek stephanie's favor, don the vestements of the school mascot and moonwalk with an eagles head strapped to himself to win her favor at basketball games. Mikey would ace the blowhole of a Tuba from 225 yards while the Tuba was being played with a golf ball for her attention. Mikey would even visit the home of Stephanie to sing classic Barry Manilow to garner even the smallest smidgen of blessing from Stephanie. It was not fruitful. Stephanie's younger brother believed himself to be without sin and did cast many small stones at Mikey after this singing.
Whisperings of the heresy of Cindy finally passed to Mikey.
The favorite apostle, James, would reveal a portion of this heresy.
"Dude, she doesn't think your cool because her friend Cindy has told her you are not cool." Mikey would relent his affections, and bide his time.
Rage is best consumed when it is cooled.
Unlike the advisement of Romans 12, vengeance would be his for his name is Mikey.
The occasion for a return of balance between Mikey and evil(Cindy) would arrive less than 9 months later when both Cindy and Mikey shared a Spanish class. Mikey would be known as Gilberto for this reason.
Spirit week arrived and the Friday of this week is traditionally "School Colors" day. Mikey smiled and saw a non-violent way to end his poisonous detest of Cindy and return to peace.
Cindy was a cheerleader, Mikey would become Cindy for this day only and walk in the shoes of the enemy of Mikey. Mikey would see the world as the evil of Cindy would see it.
Mikey would us his seam and sewing skills to create an exact replica of the cheerleading costume of Cindy. Mikey would borrow the bustier of his mommy to pack his newly found bosom with the finest Macintosh apples. Mikey arrived at school that day with a strut unlike any step he had ever walked.
In that spanish class, balance was reached. Mikey could hear sniffles from the direction of his enemy and knew the finishing blow was at hand.
Spoke Mikey, "Cindy?"
"Yes, what is it you want?" Cindy replied with the crackle of bile.
Spoke Mikey,"I know why you don't pack a sack lunch..."
"What, why?, what are you talking about?" Cindy snapped in confusion.
Mikey removed an apple from his bustier and took a bite of it, "Because you have all this room in here."
Cindy broke into sobs of misery and ran from the room. The laughter of the peers of Mikey followed her way. The score was settled. Peace reigned again in the soul of Mikey.

As a postscript, Cindy chose to attend the same college as Mikey and on one September day, Mikey found Cindy walking on the side of the road. She appeared directionless to Mikey.
Mikey stopped his chariot and inquired, "Do you need assistance to your destination?". The university was a short mile or two from where they spoke.
Cindy did not recognize him, Mikey has flourished in spirit and girth and needed to lose weight.
She accepted this offer and upon reaching her destination departed forever from the wonder of Mikey with the following words.
"Go ye in peace, ye heretic of days gone by, and know the blessings of Mikey." Mikey smiled and drove away for a rendez-vous with a Big Mac.

The Music of Mikey 1:1

2005-01-06T19:41:00.000-08:00

Morris Day and the Time. Music came from God, to Morris Day and the Time to the rest of us.

Mikey Wept the day Morris Day and the Time broke up.

Michigan 1:4

2005-01-06T19:11:00.000-08:00

A letter to the people of Michigan regarding their anger and inability to talk to one another, for which Mikey has arrived to edify the people of Michigan on solutions.

Do not Mock me people of Michigan. For I was once one of you: I walked in your shoes, drank your beer, ate your horrific food and felt the rage that each of you carries to this day.
Unlike you, I have fled this soul crushing burden and I have set myself free.

I can only wish the same for each and every one of you. Save one, and his name will not be spoken here. The name of this one translates into common english as, "Fat Ass fool who is deaf from working at GM and who has a megalomanic, hideous wife who steals his soul and covers him in endless darkness". For him, I wish a peace that will only arrive upon the grand visit of the reaper herself, only at this time will is unparalleled stupidity allow him rest. Blessings be upon him nonetheless and let him know the blessing of Mikey. Though he should stay in Michigan where his misery is best kept..

Long have I seen the people of Michigan hurl obscenities at each other, knowing not where each other emanates from, the burden you each carry. Long have I seen the people of Michigan burning things on television and shooting each other on its freeways. This misdirected rage is the synonym of drinking poison and waiting for everyone else to die.

See this horrible tribulation for what it is: a product of your environment and not the genetic burden passed to you.

What great price will you pay, should each of you simply smile to one another, acknowledging the great burden of your place and time, finding comfort in the common struggle. Instead, you remain so very alone; cursing cashiers, construction staff, florists, the occasional visiting Jehovah's witness(wrong as the Witnesses may be)

Could it be.....That the hell that is the focus of so many dogmas, may in fact exist in Michigan, may be Michigan itself. There is so much suffering there, endless suffering, endless whining, endless self inflicted pain. Its lakes do actually burn on occasion. It is colder the closer you go to the bottom. Demons do fly about the skies. Coincidence?

Could Michigan, be hell? And its governor, the actual devil?

Perhaps the closer you are to redemption, the farther away you live from Detroit, and the more damned, the closer you live to Detroit.

Is not rooting for the Detroit Lions, much like the boulder that is pushed up and down the hills of hell, only to be pushed up and down again, for all time?

Then, people of Michigan, I implore you: if you are of sound body and of means... Gather your flock and leave. Your eternal soul is in question if you stay.

The Revelation of Mikey 1:4

2004-12-30T20:36:00.000-08:00

Good Lord, I have a large head.
My skull is immense, it is a landmark on a busy street.
At the beach, Kids try to toss me over volleyball nets. Fortunatley, my center of gravity and accompanying density prevent all but the sturdiest from accomplishing this feat.
My head was responsible for the path change in Comet Halle Boppe that brought it with its mighty trailing ufo within proximity of earth. My head is also responsible for the breakup of Shoemaker Levy in 1994 and the accompanying holes in the atmosphere of Jupiter that resulted.
Its a big melon. Mighty Melon.
If I sit in the outfield of a baseball game, I can't sit near the foul poles because my skull will alter the trajectory of balls and make foul balls fair, and fair balls foul.
My gargantuan cranium did, however, assist University of Michigan Quarterback Jim Harbaugh in appearing to be a better quaterback than he actually was, depending on how my crushing skull leaned at glorious Michigan Stadium.
Sadly, my help was of no use against the forsaken Irish of Notre Dame.
Oh its true.
I have been ignoring the signs until now, the many bits of sage observation that have been offered to me over the years.
"Is not a Cadillac, bigger than a Passat?" One buddhist monk once told me. "And does the cadillac not have a larger trunk space and better V8 engine."
At the time, I threw him a quarter, but these words haunt me now with their truth.
The size of my head would explain why I did not walk upright until 4 years old. Recently released medical records show that an alarming 85% of my overall mass prior to 4 years old was in my skull.
It also explains why I am a great lover. I have mastered all the thousands of details to a womans happiness..
Oh yeah. The blessing revealed itself.

Michigan 1:3

2004-12-30T20:19:00.000-08:00

A letter from Mikey, to the people of Michigan culled from the events of 1995.
Well, would you look at this bunch of crybaby, green faced, spine slouching, pick up truck drivers.
A wind of whining seems to be slapping me in the face regularly. I will point it out to you once again, though you will not find it unfamiliar.
"OHHHHH, I've got to go to work, I hate going to work."
and if unemployed.
"OHHHHH, I've got to file for unemployment, I hate filing for unemployment."
Which will you choose, you lameoids. Will you squander what few gifts remain with you in your frozen, talent free tundra, scarfing down cheetoes and calling Marvin on the first Monday of the month?
Choose or loose my friends, your life slips from you like a football in the hands of Eric Hipple or Eric Kramer. You are without direction.
Every day that I spend traveling throughout this great blessed land, your sins against your beating hearts is magnified an exponent more. Imagine the thousands of losing lottery tickets that wouldn't be found in your city streets if each of you simply cared to hope.
Imagine.

The Acts of Mikey 1:1

2004-12-26T20:07:00.000-08:00

Darkness fell.
And while it was dark outside on 72nd street in Manhattan at the time Mikey walked it. This darkness was all encompassing.
Darkness fell upon the eyes of Mikey, The mind of Mikey, The heart of Mikey, The soul of Mikey.
and then rain began.
In New York City, rain has the unique property of being able to hit you from any angle. this is in due part to the many building of various heights and widths, much like the people of New York City.
This means that a rain drop that began falling at a 83 degree angle of descent(if straight down is 90 degrees) may, through the magic of geometry, hit you square in the eye.(0 degrees)
So it was for Mikey on This day. The very surroundings seemed to carry a velvety plush beckoning Mikey to give in to the comfortable misery of despair.
Mikey had just been told the news from his dearest at the time that he was to be traded in for three women. That his once heterosexual life mate had morphed into a homosexual acquaintance and as she worded it herself,"These things just happen."
Between his third and fourth bite of a swiss cheese burger Mikey had gone from engaged to enraged, adored to floored, from centered to bent.
The rain, made it perfect.
It seemed like a baptism. Mikey felt his lingering innocence that he was bigger and better than the whole world slip from him gracefully.
In time, this could be replaced with self-confident wisdom, but there first had to be despair.
And so Mikey did.
Mikey would first attempt to find comfort and solace with those whom he carried the highest respect, his circle of friends. Sadly, this event happened on March 31st, and as he sought out this friendly comfort the next day, on april fools day, he was not to be believed and found nothing but stifling laughter.
The despair became deeper, like an endless supply of Mcdonalds gift certificates that you use for your daily nutrition, knowing that you are slowy killing yourself, though the death may be smeared with special sauce and groovy small plastic toys still.
Despair is also carried with you throughout your days, like mosquito bites that you scratch a little too much. In time, they heal, but the scars are forever present. There will always be people asking, "what is that on your arm? a gunshot wound? Or did you just scratch a mosquito bite too much?"
This act of trading Mikey for the three lesbians would end the salad days of Mikey and begin the age of Wisdom.
One of the more relvant acts of Mikey, that is the focus of this passage, is the act that was the final healing of the heart of Mikey. The act that allowed him to be cleansed of this powerful despair.
While fully swimming in the warm, bottomless comfort of this despair that provided Mikey with no purpose but to warm his prevalent butt, Mikey built a business. From this business, many lessons were learned, but the most relevant of which was personal responsibility.
Like others in this day, Mikey could craft an argument to blame anything other than himself.
Such examples would include, but are not limited to, blaming a non-existent "brain Cyst" for having to suddenly leave the employment of a local Pizza Magnate.
This would soon change when Mikey found the favor of an older woman from the west.
This woman was not much older than Mikey, Only a few fortnights separated the two, but this woman did shower Mikey with endless adoration and treated Mikey like an awesome physical specimen for which Mikey cared little.
The woman demanded that Mikey come to her land in the west and preach to her and her throng, that her throng may too see what the woman described as ,"the genius of Mikey".
Mikey agreed, because as a side effect of his despair, he happily sailed where the winds would take him.
The situation was entertaining and furthered the age of wisdom with many smaller lessons as well as the great revelation of whom the perfect woman for Mikey was to be. (someone other than this aged chick)
But the lesson mentioned here arrived when a younger lad than Mikey took the eye of his adoring older miss.
This, in itself, was not a great misery but a blessing as Mikey was looking for another direction concurrent with the appearance of this individual. What was of immeadiate concern was that Mikey needed a place to live.
Mikey went out into the void and found a studio apartment in the land of El Cajon. This apartment was within the income of Mikey, but would not be available for two weeks.
Rather than despair, Mikey embraced learning at this most critical time.
Was it not Mikey whom had journeyed to this place, to the home of this jezebel?
Did she not have children whom wished sainthood for Mikey, regardless of his coming displacement?
Did she not have throngs whom also thought the highest of Mikey?
Yes. all these were true.
Thus, it became clear to Mikey he was responsible for the crush in living situation.
Mikey accepted this in whole, spoke highly to throngs and children of the jezebel regarding her decision to displace. Mikey found class in a situation where others would have armed themselves and started firing.
AND IN SO DOING.
The jezebel paid for two weeks for Mikey in a local swank motel, left the new lad who was to replace Mikey on several occasions to seek the length of the wonders of Mikey.
AND.
Bought him Slurpees on each and every day he was exiled to the motel prior to availability of the posh studio apartment in the land of El Cajon.
Clarity was Mikey's. Mikey expanded on this.
It was fated that His first fiance would switch teams midstream, and this was beyond his control. Even if there was a single act from Mikey that assisted in the switch, it was still fated and beyond his control.
Mikey had just been dumped by a woman and convinced her to pay for his lodgings and garnered the favor of all of her people.
Wisdom then came to Mikey. He was not as bad an individual as he would like to believe.
Mikey walked outside and once again saw the stars. Hope was Mikey's once again.

The Numbers of Mikey 1:3

2004-12-22T19:46:00.000-08:00

Having learned of the fated roots and subsequent tree that is the lifespring of Mikey, it is equally relevant to be known of those who would employ Mikey.
How Mikey came to be within their subservient machinery or created his own machinery of the breadth of the melon of Mikey.
In the beginning, there was Wah Wong Chinese Food. of no particular relevance other than they were the first to respond to the genius of Mikey. They would not be the last.
Wah Wong Chinese Food was important in the expansion of the innards of experience for Mikey as this position edified him on the wonderwall that is Chinese Kung Fu Bottle explosion tricks and that when a supervisor slaps you on the buttocks, it is not always a reminder to work faster.
Mikey would take a 9 month respite to continue his studies at the local lycee. He would have preferred playing harmonica on the street corner for change, but his mother beat him with a rubber hose to prevent this.

Then came Elias brothers, where Mikey learned of the spiritual fullfilment of succesful and talented preparation of grilled simple and complex carbohydrates as well as mastering the ratio of grease to meat in broiling and frying preparation.
Sadly, it was soon to all move forward as Mikey would not work for this particular soul sucking jerk. He planned to take it all back cause he wasn't saying jack.
During the cooking curriculum, Mikey became aware of his gift of gab. Having grasped live theatre to some degree, he harangued and stalked the local radio station owner until, out of fear, the man gave mikey a weekend midnight shift.
This shift would teach Mikey what it means to be stalked, but later scripture will speak of this. Mikey would continue this position during a majority of the following indebted servitude:
Employment at Little Caesars Pizza where Mikey found his second grade crush, who was his manager.
The early years of adoration proved of no value as when it came time to lop off a head of an employee to cut costs, Mikey was picked to go. This would be the only experience of the suffering of a layoff.
Mikey left, infuriated, passionately kissed his second grade crush for the final time, spoke the blessed words, "I know it was you, you broke my heart when I was eight" and went down the street and acquired immediate employment with........
Pizza Hut. sadly, where Mikey once again found that a supervisor patting him on the kiester is not always a reminder to speed up the dough preparation.
Soon, while spinning crispy crust, Mikey found it necessary to take a third job, with a local newspaper, who hired Mikey to act as a producer for its local television talk show.
Mikey was able to finagle a guest hosting position where he lambasted the standing mayor during an election regarding overspending on office furniture and general political tomfoolery.
To this day, Mikey is not allowed back in Pontiac, Michigan and to quote the mayor directly, "You done lost your Pontiac privileges"
Inspired by the looniness of a crazed, but groovy, methodist that Mikey knew, Mikey expanded his radio experience in Lexington, KY; two months short of a college degree.
While visiting his mother the following christmas, she beat him relentlessly with a rubber hose while telling him to finish his college education.
Mikey did this and retook a job with both the nearby radio station at home and another Pizza Hut where he was not smacked on the buttocks.
Mikey is 1/123rd Jamaican, if you were curious.
Like a cyclone, the influence of regular booty in the Life of Mikey led to a steady degradation of positions that will be listed here in no particular order. This is the fall of Mikey, the inevitable humbling all men must face.
Cornbread engineer(2 weeks)
Pizza Hut(new jersey)quit on a lunch hour
Radio Station Delaware-Promoted to program manager then fired in a marketing debacle involving two fighting squirrels. ratings did arrive due to this promotion but the injuries to the squirrels were to great as was the corporate negligence.
Escort Service Driver
office supply marketing intern
accountant lackey
commercial model(oh its true, and I was paid)
Ad agency shill(3 months)
Rip off perfume street salesman
Paid actor(more than twice)
Film extra
Cookbook salesman
Cable tv sales manager
Bank Customer Service
Funeral plot consultant
Frozen Food Saleperson
Fraudelent Sweepstakes Sales coordinator
Porn star radio show co producer
Sales Trainer
Mastercard/visa merchant sales
Asian Massuese trainer
Theatre Producer
Mountain Dew Bootlegger(from Iowa to Illinois)
and finally, the great humbling of Mikey, which would also provide him his greatest gift, his wife.
The establishment of his own business. (dealt in great detail in THE OPPRESSION OF MIKEY scripture)

The sun would rise again for Mikey, and he would once again sense he had gifts to offer and time should not be so readily wasted.
Fascinated by insurance and its apparent mafia influences, and tired of the outright poverty of acting and radio, Mikey embarked on an insurance adventure.
Great companies would seek the wisdom and talents of mikey, once he introduced himself repeatedly and annoyingly.
Mikey would work for them.
And might still be working for one in particular, had not the redneck CEO of this company with his arrogant philosophy and pedantic drawl grown a few inches and not offended the companies biggest client. Instead of spitting his skoal spit of an opinion back at their offer.
And we arrive at the current and best position ever, The home of Positive Mental attitude, from which, Mikey will begin his true reign and empire.
So it has passed, So shall this numerological retelling pass to the generation. So shall those that seek its lesson, avoid the foibles listed.

The Revelation of Mikey 1:3

2004-12-21T19:51:00.000-08:00

Seek ye the way, and the light shall shine.
Seek ye the lesson, and the problem shall arise.
Seek ye the reason and the cause shall manifest.
Seek ye the positive and peace shall be thine.
Seek ye the negative and the bitching will commence.
And the day came when the weight of the past was overcame with the light of the future. When he chose to burdened no longer with the dumbells of decisions gone to the school for wayward boys.
I have oft found myself in the midst of a 20 piece chicken mcnugget superspecial while spewing diatribes on that which is not. Bitching to hear myself bitch because I was used to that voice. Occasionally attempting a solution to a lesser problem and in finding success to a lesser matter grasping firmer to the dimmer hope that I would one day address a bigger issue instead of continuing the circle of whine.
Through the headlights of the positive mental attitude(as I have learned from the great W. Clement Stone), I find there are two states of mind. There is positive, and there is reality, that which we want and that which is. With both states retaining positive qualities.
This is stark difference to my previous truth, that there is positive and negative, that the mind has all the character of a magnet. That there is good and bad states of mind.
This further reveals that if my previous truth was that there are good and bad states of mind, there had to have been periods, while in a bad state of mind, where I had to believe I, myself, was bad. When, all my state of mind was, was in a state of reality, and I was not aware of what was good.
Finally, I am free. And my potential is mine.

The Numbers Of Mikey 1:2

2004-11-25T20:05:00.000-08:00

Prior to Mikey, many sowed the seeds and reaped the wisdom that was passed to this generation. These throngs are listed here.(a reanalysis of recent findings within a clay cave near a gravel pit near Lapeer, Michigan have shed new light on the hierarchy of mikey than was previously listed in the lost book of Mikey, Numbers of Mikey 1:1)
In the beginning there was Adam, Adam begat abel who met the untimely end of a sports argument at the hands of Cain. Prior to that messiness, Abel begat Chip. Chip contemplated the fig business and in so doing begat Jehosophat. Jehosophat moved away from Mesopotamia to the west, crossing the Urals and begat Ivan. Ivan begat Hortense, Hortense begat Ivanhoe(this is not an exaggeration). Hortense, while preparing a wild potato dish, found fans of her cooking and formed one of the early tribes of Germania, and also begat Frau Melon. Frau Melon begat The Leader, The Leader begat a lad with an even larger head, His name was Jeff. Jeff started the first Germanic trade route with the emerging Egyptian empire bringing fortune to the family with trade in incense, erbs, gummy bears and beer. Jeff begat Frankenstein(who, oddly, did not have a big cranium, ending the streak). Frankenstien incurred the wrath of local townsfolk in limiting beer sales on Sunday and was walled up in a windmill and burned, but did begat Big feet Benny. Big Feet Benny begat Frau Skippy. Frau Skippy contemplated smashing peanuts and spreading them on rolls of rye, and begat Frau Jif. Frau Jif began the exodus to Hamburg and begat Olaf. Olaf begat Mulan. Mulan left Germania and fought a great conflict amongst the chinese peoples, but prior to that exodus begat Eric the Glum. Eric the Glum was convinced none of the local frauliens would be his until, in a drunken stupor he begat Count Von Vital. Count Von Vital established a royal line through Western Germany and the Von Vital family claims real estate ownership of 85% of Germany, Lichenstien and Denmark to this very day, a little known fact, Count Von Vital begat Jules the Elder. Jules the Elder came to the conclusion during a pagan ritual that She would not die and made the neccesary deal with the Lord of Dreams to make that happen and walks among us to this day, prior to this transaction, she begat Timmy. Timmy was a town idiot and save for a lost bet suffered by a local shop stewardess would not have begat Jezebel, but fortunately for this line, did infact do that begatting. Jezebel begat Arnold the Younger. Arnold the Younger begat Samsara. Samsara begat The high priest Slappy White. The high priest Slappy White begat Curly. Curly begat Mary, Queen of Scots.(this is as close as the line of mikey would come to political relevance). Mary, Queen of Scots, begat William, King Of Soap. William, King of Soap moved his lucrative cleaning business away from the great plagues in London at the time to the new world and begat Limey Louie. Limey Louie begat James. James begat Cotton Mather whom felt oppressed by the proliferation of hot chicks who would not give him the time of day and branded them all witches to burn them one by one, but did find time to begat Stands with Bitterness during a tryst with a native. Stands with Bitterness walked among the Puritans still and begat Feels with Grooviness. Feels with Grooviness fell hard for a colonial soldier and she begat Hezekiah. In between barn raising, Hezekiah begat Job. Job begat John Jacob Jingleheimerschmit. John Jacob Jingleheimerschmit begat Katherine, Katherine(whom is actually immortal though appears to take on the shape of a 96 year old grandmother) has begat many through the years as she has also made a deal with the Lord of Dreams and his sister and will never die, but for this discussion begat Arnold. and Arnold begat Mikey.

The Chicks of Mikey 1:1

2004-11-18T22:47:00.000-08:00

Forever more, All women prior to the blessing that is my wife shall be known as chicks.
This prose is meant to explain them to myself, but not to justify. For in the cases of many of these chicks there is no justification, only action with equal and opposite reaction. and the occasional monetary transaction.
Allow me to introduce a chick I knew, Her name is Rose. She still mingles among us, as a speech therapist no less. I have not set eyes upon her since the darkness of Clinton so my frame of reference only lies within the void of her 5ft frame from her 18th to 20th year, when she was mine, and I, hers in theory.
Due to there closer proximity, I was introduced to Rose's boobs, long before I ever met Rose. I had conversations with Rose's boobs, before I actually spoke to Rose. While she was tepidly reciting Sondheim I communicated with her bountiful breasts from afar.
"Are you able to breathe in there?" I telepathically asked.
"what care we for air", they sang, "we are perky and air serves us not."
A fine reply.
Sadly, this was the most interesting conversation that I would have with Rose or her intriuging parts within the two years we occupied each others spiritual space.
Still, there was regular sex, and at 22, which I was, This was more than enough to keep us in emotional neutral.
Disturbingly, one night Rose confided in me that she was dyslexic. The disturbance arose around a week later when she pointed out that she had lied, that she was not dyslexic, just that she was bad at spelling and she was afraid I would mock her entymogically and so, created the lie.
The trouble continued to brew.
We were engaged, as we understood it, in two months. I bartered for her ring for a collection of 1978 Detroit Tiger baseball cards, these cards did not include the rookie cards of Alan Trammel or Lou Whitaker.
My interest was to achieve some sort of consistent booty as this would assist in honing my intimate skills for later in my adult life.
This truth was foolishly hidden by the idea that I loved Rose. I even said so, and believed it.
I followed the breeze of Rose eastward across the country because my sails were taken that way and I liked the skies in that direction.
Still the trouble began to brew and the storm surge rolled in.
My car was stolen twice within the same month while seeking her favor.(recovered both times)
I was declared homeless for three days while a swill infested, skeeze islandler landlord couldn't meet me to hand over the apartment keys for which I had given him a deposit.
Bill clinton was elected president.
I actually had two other much more bodacious women, with deeper thoughts seek my favor( a first in life at this time) and I didn't see it or acknowledge it.(subconscious avoidance of other booty)
How could I not see the reaper stalking me? These events were bright steps that death and doom were coming my way.
So it cumulated, ON march 31st. 7:54pm. Cool Dr Pepper in hand, and munching on a Swiss Cheese burger at Diane's Uptown in Manhattan. The seventh sign of this experience would be uttered.
Rose spoke, "I think we should see other women."

What should have been a blessing, hung on my head like a full speed body check into the boards.
I could not negotiate my way into this revelation, and I could not save my own access to Rose's booty. The booty I had become accustomed to during the rise of Nirvana and Pearl Jam and fall of Ross Perot and Snow's "Informer".
Sadly, the next day was April 1st, and my circle of friends. used to my mirth, did not believe I had been tossed for the girlie love of another.
On april 2nd, they were more sympathetic.
I was stipped of my regular sex. And I was heartbroken. This led to relevant wisdom.
At the time of breakup, part in peace, go and cry, begin to mourn, because as sure as your heart bleeds and you go back to other business.
She will seek you out for "one last time".
Do not answer this call, advise you're flattered, maybe even a little curious. and leave it at that.
Leave them wanting you, and then when they call you, three, maybe four more times.
Have her pay for a neutral site, pay for your dinner, your drinks, and do her like its the final time, Like a priest is coming to guide you to the electric chair.
When finished, rise, smile, wish her the best.
and leave your booty worshipping in that room as you rejoin a better life..

The Bitterness of Mikey 1:1

2004-11-12T21:30:00.000-08:00

An open letter from Mikey to those whom have had the gift of supervisory authority over him:

Why am I amazed that hordes and hordes of oafs and fools seem to find themselves in position of authority over me?
Is it not I who chose, no, willingly took the blindfold and then felt the burn of the gunshot to work for such fools and oafs?
Why does this vile taste continue to stain my professional affairs? Could it be that I require this level of moron as a source of creativity?
could be.
Or could it be that I enjoy causing pain and frustration in like and finding the depths of rage and borders of madness of each and every dopey manager for whom I've ever worked.
This is far more likely.
I have always spat in the face of pointless minutae and the goofs that attempt to grind it into my psyche. It is as if such lame policies are designed to more quickly identify whom will step to the management tune and who will not and to file them accordingly forevermore from that point.
With the preceding being said, I bring good tidings to a few whom always sparked gladness, contentment, intelligence and rationale thought. I remark that the following list of exceptions to my experiences with the morons of middle management is short and does not include myself from my self employed period of 1995 to 1997 for I was a great fool and I should not have worked for myself at that time.
Good tidings and great blessing are saved for Josee and Andrew of Wexford, Art of the south side, Shawn of Oakmont, Mike and Riggs of Warren, Ed of San Diego, Steven of Chicago, Bob of Summit, Jerry of Clio, and Big Feet Benny of the bronx. These are the rarities among those without cognitive capability, those without coordination, those who breathe mediocrity.
May all others take heed, though your soul has long since been dealt for the position you claim to be yours. It is not too late to join those for whom the credit is given. Those who lie in the trenches, create the result and reflect on the production of a life righteously fought.

Peace unto Nancy of the sixth circle, I know your suffering and it brings light to your madness that did not exist before. Any great clean up hitter knows your pain when learning how to bat from the other side of the plate later in a career, there is much to learn, many mistakes to be made. Go ye in peace and live the life you require and know the blessing of mikey.

Dave of Moon, Know ye that it was my own darkness that caused me to convince you that I had a brain cyst when I did not, and that it was guilt over this fallacy that caused you to take me back only for me to then leave you. The pinnacle of a jilted relationship. You should have let me move to claims as I pleaded with you to do. Go ye also in peace.

Janine of Lexington, Know ye this: that I would have taken my own life rather than work another day in your prescence, and though this cannot be good for your esteem, it was the entire environment that was moving me to suicide. To avoid this tribulation and to save the many women of this life the blessing of my gifts, I chose to leave you on that fateful lunch hour without a clue of why it all came down. Go ye also in peace.

I give my highest of thanks and blessings to the lord, for it is upon me now that the only person I can truly work for and criticize correctly is myself. And so it shall be.

The Redemption of Mikey 1:1

2004-10-28T21:48:00.000-07:00

There is one, one who shall be lifted up, so that my hatred of him shall finally vanish.
He is one who chose to bear his hand in fiscal trust only to theft years of work from me on a July afternoon.
He is one without direction, without reason, without escape from his monstrous wife.
He is one who swore before a power far greater than mine that he would speak the truth only to bastardize his word, his character and his soul.
He is one who took the comfort of my homeland from me that everytime I return I am shrouded with his foolishness and the misery his name brings..

As the buddha says himself, "Living with fools is endless pain". So it is with the memory of a fool.
He, like the tornado he was, came into my life on a cloudy, rainy day and after he left the sun was shining but all around was in ruins from the swath of destruction he cut.
He, like the I.R.S, seemed to serve a purpose, but in the end all he did was crawl up my colon and stay there to rot.
And so my plan for him is as follows.
I shall give hundreds of thousands of dollars to little known charities in his name, demanding recognition.
I shall build shelters and homes for those he hated. I will do this in his name and remand the people who benefit just who their benefactor is.
I shall celebrate humanity and generousity in ways he cannot stand and his name shall be lifted up unbeknownst to him.
He shall then know that his misery and treachery was to me a gift.
He shall appear great, knowing he is not. And I will be great without anyone knowing.

Michigan 1:2

2004-10-24T19:03:00.000-07:00

A letter from Mikey to the people of Michigan.

What the hell is the matter with you? How can you be so angry? Why do you hate yourselves so that you choke your spirits and lives away in five lane construction zones?
Wait, I may have answered my own question.
I have walked the tribulation with you, with you all. Through leaving I have seen the beginning lights of redemption. Many peoples like me have chosen to flee. Do you not see them yammer their gladness as they pass from exit 1 on I-75 laughing to themselves at your joke of a welcome rest stop and into the loving gaze of Toledo?
What drives you to wake up in the morning? The thoughts of killing the deer herds to the north. Shooting them dead and dragging them on your weatherborne, ziebart less autos into your self created suburban muck?
For a glimmer of hope, ye have but look to the peoples of Frankenmuth, who have created amongst your wasteland, yea verily, a shining beacon of beer, bratwurst and brassy german warmth that people will travel miles to wallow in.
ALL HAIL THE NAME OF BRONNER AND ZEHNDER!!!! For from the mouths of clownshoes they have polished pearls.
I bring righteous tidings to the good people of Saint Ignace, who have endured the barbs of those from the lower peninsula that their burb just isn't far enough south. The bowling alleys of Saint Ignace are smooth and forgiving, its people the antithesis of the misery in the lower peninsula and the view of the Mackinac bridge from the north allows an expatriate like myself to truly look back in anger, with style.
I also bring good tidings to the people of Vassar who hold the prominence of holding the one hill in Michigan within its borders. This allows the citizens within to experience the peaks and valleys of spiritual life freely. Unlike their miserable neighbors further to the south in Millington, Otisville and beyond, whom only know mind numbing flatness.
If I could give ye people of Michigan a word, let it be this. "Seek out the curves and peaks....there ye shall find hope, and through hope, glory."

The Revelation of Mikey 1:2

2004-10-22T21:23:00.000-07:00

I remember the fall, it came suddenly and dropped me miles below the chair that I had just been sitting in. The truth of this vision comes long after the actual tribulation of my soul.

Moments before the great fall, I was deep within a swiss cheese burger at Diane's uptown in New York City on March 31st. and then the words were uttered. The words? From my fiance the uttered words were, "I think we should see other women."
Expeditiously,I found myself at the bottom of a deep crevasse. The walkway at the bottom of this crevasse was narrow enough to walk, and so I walked. Thousands of steps one way, then returning, and duplicating those steps in reverse. The walls of the crevasse were starkly different, on one side was a solid white wall, almost luminescent and this wall provided the light that allowed me to walk clearly. To the touch, this wall gave me sensations of peace and harmony, but after a while the wall became very warm and I became fearful. On the other side of the crevasse the wall was rocky, with outcroppings of rock that caused irritation to my hand like the burning one might feel being dragged along an older short hair rug, but after the initial irritation, the wall was cool and comforting. This wall was black, darker than the finest german chocolate. This wall gave me feeling of anger, frustration, mediocrity, and yet filled me with the strange ease of memory. I seemed to sense old friends long past within this wall, or perhaps at the top.
The top...
Looking up, I saw faint light. It seemed at a distance of a star and this light twinkled in kind.
Still I walked the path. While feeling the slow chill of despair that this path had no end, I heard the beat. A recognizable beat, followed by the strum of a guitar. Loud. I looked up. appearing slowly larger were the images of two beings. They drew closer. When these two figures came close enough to be seen clearly, they were two men. One dressed in leather with black rimmed glasses and a black fedora hat. The other, dressed with much more color and a pompadour, the second being was a man in a coat that had the pattern of a couch from 1964 with red, yellow, orange and green, the coat seemed to sparkle.
"I am Daryl McDaniels" said the first, "You know me as DMC".
"I am Morris Day" said the second, "We two are the great poets of your age. You have long emulated my style, but I do not take offense."
"Can you lead me from this path? I do not know how long I've been here, but I want to leave"
"You remain alive and living, but it is your soul that is trapped here." Spoke DMC, "You have been walking this path for 5 years. It is your despair that has brought us here, as does the despair of any with the get fresh flow as you have always had"
"Aren't you tired of walking?" said Morris day.
"I Know only that the walking gives me purpose, and that sooner or later I'll find my way. What more do I need?"
"what is the last thing you remember?" spoke DMC.
"I had just bit into a hamburger at Diane's uptown in NYC and had looked up to hear the words of my fiance. I remember nothing after that. I believe it was 1993"
"Oh My, "said Morris,"No wonder you walk. Your fiance told you she discovered she was a lesbian and had traded you in for three women. She told you to hit the road, you left that burger hut in misery. It was March 31st, 1993. On April 1st, when you attempted to receive sympathy from your friends, no one believed you were telling the truth. You have been punishing yourself with indulgences in Asian women, mountain dew, the rantings of fools and mindless work ever since."
"I don't believe you" I said.
"You don't have to, "Said DMC, "You refuse to see what both sides of the crevasse offer you. What they are trying to say. And so you walk safely between them, and you will continue to walk until you accept the truth."
"The Truth?"I said
"The truth that you are a slave, that you are here as a slave to your own anger and bitterness and the comfort of the time before the anger. Like so many who succumb to despair, its tendrils and tentacles warm and curse you. But unlike the King of Rock there is something higher for you. Do you wish it?"Said DMC.
"If it be, give it me."I said.
Morris and DMC smiled. "it will not fall out of the sky" said Morris, "you must be willing".
I was willing, "Tell me."
"Then walk to your tomorrow, your beginning to redemption awaits."said DMC"
"I've been walking, yo, forever. What are you talking about?" I asked.
"You have walked one way or the other"said DMC,"straight ahead, or straight behind. you have not truly walked. turn left or right and see what happens. But choose wisely or you may find a new path darker and more intoxicating then this."
From within the dark crevasse wall there seemed a voice, it was of my former fiance, "Turn this way, I'll give you pity sex." She was very good at sex, even with five years of walking, I remember that. After her voice, there was another, that of Stephanie Schiller. Stephanie was the cheerleader I crushed on way back in the day, she spoke, "And when you've had your pity sex with her, I will give you even more pitiful sex, and then she and I will have pity sex for your enjoyment"
It seemed too good to be true, I turned to the white side of the crevasse, fearful of what it might hold.
"Don't be a sucker MC" said DMC, "You will burn this kindom if you want."
I walked forward and the wall gave, I found myself instantly at an airport in Green Bay, Wisconsin looking into the eyes of the most glorious woman in the world. It was August 1st,1998 and this was the Alpha and the Omega. Her name was Laura and my soul was once again free.

The Book Of Mikey 1:3

2004-10-22T21:09:00.000-07:00

And so, there came a time when Mikey was cast out into the wilderness. When Mblog.com did cease its efforts and the ancient texts from the books of mikey became lost. The lost books of mikey were taken to the top of the mightiest hill of Emlenton, PA and the chips that they were written upon were smashed. These fragments were then placed within a cd case of Shakira's "Laundry Service". This cd case was then forever more known as the cd case of the covenant of Mikey.

It is alleged that this Cd Case contains mystical powers and that leaders of the warring factions within West Virginia and Virginia have come to seek it to use its powers for themselves.

Fortunately, The Mikey Knights Templar have taken possession of the CD case of the covenant of Mikey and they have taken it somewhere in New Jersey to keep it safe. This ancient order has sworn its very existence to keep the CD case of the covenant safe from ne'er do wells who would slander and libel against the goodness of Mikey.

In time, the knights have agreed to once again reveal the word of mikey so that the travels and final redemption of the one with the melon may be known again.